High-level sources in the Times Colonist advertising department have leaked to me the first draft of a career opportunity ad that will be appearing soon:
We're a mid-sized enterprise based in western Canada with a nine-year record of success that is looking for a dynamic new CEO to re-energize brand performance after a few negative-growth quarters.
Some of our product lines hold a commanding market share, but overall performance is being curtailed by a new offering in our tax line that has yet to meet initial expectations.
Look, we're going to come clean, here. This is a help wanted ad. And we need help, bad.
The outgoing CEO brought this stray dog home from Ottawa and told our shareholders they'd love it. Now it's bitten us so many times our pant legs look like grass skirts.
Nobody has the guts to drag it to the pound. The CEO took it for walks. Now it's forcing him to take a walk.
A recent executive reorganization set the stage for a recommitment to goals, pursuit of excellence-wise. But let's be frank here. It didn't work.
Everyone is running around in a panic. Nobody knows what they're doing. We've got new vice-presidents in charge of things we didn't even know we were doing. We've got all kinds of new business lines, but no business cards.
In the middle of that we rolled out another new tax product to offset the first one. You'd think when you give someone a new pony they'd say thank you and enjoy riding it.
But the first thing customers did after unwrapping the gift horse was look straight in its mouth.
Our strategic market presence was founded on strong leadership. It's reflected in our company motto: "Teamwork is for sissies."
Operating in a dynamic, competitive environment, that imperative may be open for discussion. But don't get all carried away with hand-holding. We've got a lot of horses pulling in different directions. And we're known in the trade for putting the "con" in consultation.
Our firm has a proud tradition of ebbing and flowing, and blowing up on a moment's notice. We have a stranglehold on a quarter of what we once had, which leaves us lots of what some of the wags call "growth potential."
The more sullen members of our outfit don't find that funny. But you have to laugh at something, right?
We're looking for a passionate, visionary, articulate relationship-builder with strong handshake skills and a proven record of taking huge gambles. Our firm needs someone with excellent listening skills who's a superb negotiator. Someone who knows when to hold 'em and knows when to fold 'em.
We want a common sense, high-energy dynamo who can throw buzzwords like "innovation," "moving forward" and "goldenness" around without even thinking twice.
The successful applicant will be a high-achiever who thrives in challenging environments, like mine cave-ins. You take calculated risks and have a restless, adventurous spirit. Some people ask: "Why?" You always ask: "What the hell?"
Sometimes, driving late at night, you drift over the centre line, just to see what it feels like on the other side of the road.
You are a people person. You can't get enough of them. Your favorite concert? Up With People. You want every person you meet to love you, and you'll do anything to make it happen.
You've been everything from a pawn to a king, and you know one thing. Each time you find yourself flat on your face, you just pick yourself up, and get back in the race.
You ooze celebrity and star power. You always get the best table. You never have to even ask.
When you go on TV, people automatically stop talking and gather around. Something about you makes people want to register to vote.
Your hobbies will include cliff-diving, no-helmet motorcycle racing, and opinion poll analysis. You like to dig deep holes in the back yard for the pleasure of climbing out of them.
If you're a pragmatic idealist and a big-picture detail person who can "think outside the coffin," send your résumé a.s.a.p. to: newleader@remember-the-red-mittens.com.
