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Jack Knox: Are you a true Victorian? Take this quiz to find out

In the Before Times, our calendar looked like this: Four months of rain, TC 10K, Victoria Day Parade, Swiftsure, tourist season, Peninsula strawberries, Jazzfest, no school, Inner Harbour Canada Day celebration/Fête du Régurgitation, Symphony Splash,
TC_241726_web_VKA-hudson-4020.jpg
The Greater Victoria skyline. [Adrian Lam, Times Colonist]

In the Before Times, our calendar looked like this: Four months of rain, TC 10K, Victoria Day Parade, Swiftsure, tourist season, Peninsula strawberries, Jazzfest, no school, Inner Harbour Canada Day celebration/Fête du Régurgitation, Symphony Splash, Saanich fair, back to school, Peninsula corn, Rifflandia, raking leaves in the rain, Christmas.

Tomorrow, for example, we would normally trundle out into the 15 C weather (or, as we Islanders like to call it, “a scorcher”) and line Douglas Street for the first seven or eight hours of the parade. It’s one of those things true Victorians traditionally do, just like thanking bus drivers or stealing umbrellas.

Do you consider yourself a true Victorian? And how well do you really know the city? Take this Victoria Day quiz to see where you fit in:

• You believe:

A) The holiday was named for the city, not the queen

B) Block heater cords are plug-ins for electric cars

A) You shouldn’t have to dress up for Casual Friday

B) It makes sense to divide a city of under 400,000 into a dozen municipalities. Why don’t they cut Edmonton, Calgary and Winnipeg into nice bite-sized pieces, too?

• You also believe:

A) $1 million is a reasonable price for a house

B) One hour is a reasonable lineup for brunch

C) A one-sailing wait is unreasonable

D) If they build a bridge, you will move to another island

• When drunk, you have:

A) Tried to hug Gordy Dodd

B) Tried to fight Mr. Floatie

C) Sung harmony with Darth Fiddler

D) Hit on Ed Bain

• As a Victorian, your greatest fear is:

A) Earthquake

B) Tsunami

C) Half an inch of snow

D) Alberta licence plates

• When it snows, Victorians take a:

A) Taxi to work

B) Plane to Palm Springs

C) Sick day

D) Valium

• Visitors look at you oddly when you say:

A) “I rode the galloping goose for five kilometres.”

B) “I love swimming in the Sooke potholes.”

C) “I wanted to go to Duncan, but the hat was blocked.”

D) For fans of Kate and William: “I really hope the royals beat Prince George.”

• The statue on the legislature roof is:

A) Capt. George Vancouver, who sailed to the Island aboard HMS Discovery

B) Capt. James Cook, who arrived on HMS Resolution

C) Capt. James T. Kirk, piloting the Starship Enterprise*

D) Hiding from Victoria city council

• Under Victoria’s coat of arms is the Latin phrase “semper liber.” It means:

A) “Always free”

B) “First hour free (at city-owned parkades)**”

C) “Wear a hat, we’ve got seagulls”

D) “We liked the old one ­better”

• Match each of Dysfunction-by-the-Sea’s other 67 municipalities to its motto:

1. Saanich 2. Langford 3. Oak Bay 4. Esquimalt 5. Colwood 6. Sidney 7. View Royal 8. Metchosin 9. Sooke 10. North Saanich 11. Highlands 12. Central Saanich

A) “The Burnaby of Vancouver Island”

B) “Building permits in 30 minutes or your business licence is free”

C) “Tradesmen’s entrance off Foul Bay Road”

D) “Any more nuttiness out of Victoria, and the bridge goes up for good”

E) “Whoa, didn’t that used to be a gravel pit?”

F) “New York might be the city that never sleeps, but we go to bed after Jeopardy”

G) “Gateway to Costco”

H) “Our other car is a John Deere”

I) “Last traffic light before Japan”

J) “Our commercial core is a farm stand”

K) “Welcome to Highlands. You must be lost.”

L) “Because you can never have enough Saaniches”

• You wear a heavy wool tuque to

A) Mount Washington in February

B) Royal Athletic Park in June

C) Willows Beach in August

D) the symphony/funerals/your own wedding

• The 1925 Victoria Cougars were the last non-NHL team to win the Stanley Cup. After leaving Victoria, they became:

A) the Prince George Cougars

B) the Detroit Red Wings

C) the Saanich Salsa

D) depressed

• Rudyard Kipling once wrote: “To realize Victoria you must take all that the eye admires in Bournemouth, Torquay, the Isle of Wight, the Happy Valley at Hong Kong, the Doon, Sorrento and Camps Bay; add reminiscences of the Thousand Islands and arrange the whole around the Bay of Naples with some Himalayas for the background.” Were Kipling to travel here today he would say:

A) “I don’t remember bike lanes.”

B) “Help, I’m trapped in the McTavish Road crop circles.”

C) “I can’t believe Knox is still writing for the TC.”

D) “Yes, of course my travel is essential.”

• Speaking of the Times Colonist, its best-ever headlines remain:

A) After a storm cancelled air and ferry travel: Mainland Cut Off From Civilization

B) After the census results came out: Many Are Colwood But Few Metchosin

C) After a court freed the guy who broke into Guess Who singer Burton Cummings’ Saanich home: He Got, Got, Got, Got No Time

D) An unintentional classic: Woman Who Beat Off Cougar Hailed As Hero***

* This would be John Horgan’s first choice

** At least until the spaces are converted to micro-housing

*** Sorry. Still cracks me up

jknox@timescolonist.com

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