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Jack Knox: Winter blew in and brought us three snow days

A diary of Victoria’s brush with a real Canadian winter: Friday, Feb. 8 — Hey, we’re finally getting some snow.

Jack Knox mugshot genericA diary of Victoria’s brush with a real Canadian winter:

Friday, Feb. 8 — Hey, we’re finally getting some snow. Frankly, after guiltily gloating at the rest of C-C-C-Canada this winter, it’s nice to experience a few flakes, to feel like we’re on the same team.

Too bad the schools didn’t call a snow day so the kids could enjoy it.

By nightfall the wind is gusting to 100 km/h. I feel like a Venezuelan president: Still have power but don’t know for how long.

Saturday, Feb. 9 — Turns out the how-long-will-we-have-power question was answered at 1:48 a.m. The wind just won’t let up, moaning and howling like Don Cherry at the Swedish Ice Capades. Half an hour after I put the cat outside, it calls from Port Alberni, looking for a ride home.

And cold? It’s like Justin Trudeau and Jody Wilson-Raybould riding the same elevator. Just to warm up, I fight my way to the Victoria Film Festival to watch Gone With the Wind, which turns out to be a documentary about your garbage-can lid.

Sunday, Feb. 10 — More snow! What fun! I shovel* the driveway (*cookie sheet duct-taped to a garden rake) but because I do so in Victoria’s version of winter boots (flip flops, but the kind made from recycled snow tires), I lose three toes to frostbite. Good thing I had seven on that foot to start with.

Monday, Feb. 11 — Almost 27 centimetres of snow falls at the Victoria airport. That’s 27 cm more than falls on Regina. In Victoria, the benchmark home price was $680,200 in January. In Regina, it was $266,600. Damn Trump (sorry, reflex).

Ferries fail to sail. CFB Esquimalt closes. Flights are cancelled. Snowplows give priority to emergency routes, allowing ambulances to transport apoplectic downtown drivers whose heads explode after seeing snow-free bike lanes beside unplowed streets.

At least the kids finally get a snow day.

Tuesday Feb. 12 — After a teenager with a Go-Pro smokes a rat (which sounds like a euphemism but isn’t) while sledding down Ryan Street, the video goes viral. This being Victoria, a GoFundMe campaign raises $45,000 for the rat.

Schools call another snow day.

Wednesday, Feb. 13 — Snowfall warning ends, triggering the greatest celebrations since VE Day. Still, schools call another snow day. Are the snowflakes on the ground or in the classroom? (Two kids make the news for voluntarily shovelling more than 100 bus stops, but I choose to ignore this because it doesn’t fit the soft-and-selfish narrative.)

A swarm of earthquakes measuring up to 5.1 are felt west of Port Hardy, but nobody pays much attention. Snow might terrify us, but we don’t even get off the couch for anything under a 6.3.

Thursday, Feb. 14 — This snow is like Bernie Sanders: it doesn’t know when to quit. Just when it appears the danger is over, a full-on blizzard snarls afternoon traffic. It’s like the part of Fatal Attraction where you think Glenn Close is dead but she comes lurching out of the bathtub.

Schools tell parents they can come get their children. No, thanks, we’re good, the parents reply.

You try to make up excuses for not bringing home a Valentine’s Day present, only to heave a sigh of relief after realizing your significant other has left you for the Hydro guy/snowplow driver/bus driver/woman at the liquor store.

Friday, Feb. 15 — We wake up to a balmy, Regina-in-August three degrees. The snow is melting faster than Trudeau’s re-election chances. Still, given the 60-plus centimetres that piled up over the past week (the Weather Network has dubbed Victoria “Canada’s snowiest city” for February), we’re pretty sure we’ll see amalgamation, a functioning sewage plant and a fix for the Malahat before the lawns are clear (just kidding: we’ll never see a fix for the Malahat).

At least the kids are back in school … Say what? Pro-D Day?

Saturday, Feb. 16 — Gun-metal grey skies. Miserable damp. Icy water pools everywhere (Good news! My left shoe doesn’t leak!). Windshield wipers — the metronome of Victoria winters — struggle to keep up to the soul-sucking slop.

It’s so nice to be back to normal.