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Jack Knox: Mother’s Day is a chance to apologize, at least

Mother’s Day. Time to pick up the phone and tell her how you really feel. “I wish you were more like Felicity Huffman,” I said, shouting into the mouthpiece (her hearing isn’t what it was). “Or maybe Lori Loughlin.
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What better way to say I'm sorry/I love you to Mom?

Jack Knox mugshot genericMother’s Day. Time to pick up the phone and tell her how you really feel.

“I wish you were more like Felicity Huffman,” I said, shouting into the mouthpiece (her hearing isn’t what it was). “Or maybe Lori Loughlin. I mean, would it have killed you to cough up 50 bucks to get me into a decent journalism school?”

“I wish I hadn’t found you face-down drunk in the driveway when you were 15,” she replied. “It was 3 a.m. You looked like you were bracing for an earthquake.”

No point going down that road, so I moved on: “I planned a nice Mother’s Day meal. Italian crudités, broiled salmon with scallions and sesame, then strawberry-pistachio crumble pie.”

This gave her pause. “Really?”

“It will probably take you a while to cook all that,” I said, “so I’ll just watch the game.”

“That’s my boy,” she said, breaking into tears of joy.

Honestly, they should just call this National Apology Day. Sorry, Mom, you should tell her. Sorry for the pain of childbirth. Sorry for the colic. Sorry for the call from the vice-principal. Sorry for the call from the cops. Sorry for taking you for granted as cook/maid/nurse/chauffeur/bail bondsman. Sorry for the lowered expectations. (“I’d like you to be a classical violinist,” mine once mused. Fat chance, I thought to myself. “Or,” she continued, “a clergyman.” What are there, I wondered, four strings on a violin?)

For here’s the truth: Most mothers do a better job of being mothers than children do of being children.

That’s why we spend more on Mother’s Day than Father’s Day: The National Retail Federation estimates American consumers will spend $25 billion US* on the former this year but just $15.5 billion on the latter. (*This does not count the value of all the last-minute, hastily scrawled “gift certificates” that moms will consign to the drawer where never-to-be-redeemed coupons go to die.) The mother-to-child disappointment ratio is higher than it is with dads.

It’s also why we lap up news stories about children who treat their mothers abominably. It makes us feel better about our own shortcomings. Among the more recent tales:

• In January, a Pennsylvania woman was charged with bilking her mother out of $337,000 US, which she supposedly spent on her interior design business, a gym membership and cellphone charges.

• In October, the internet blew up with a video of a Texas mom who chased down her 13-year-old son, then whupped him with a belt on the side of the road after he stole her BMW to visit his girlfriend.

• Also in October, the son of a British war-hero general and aide to the Queen was ordered to pay his mother, Lady Something-or-Other, a chunk of the £450,000 he swindled from her.

• In November, an Oxford man was jailed for raiding his mother’s bank account and forcing her to sell her home to pay the debts he ran up while enjoying a lavish lifestyle.

• Another Englishman* was jailed in February after defrauding his invalid mother of £100,000, which he used to pay for jewelry, vacations, online shopping and the refurbishment of her home. He left her with just 99p. (*Apparently, the Brits gobble up awful-offspring stories like bacon butties, because their media are full of them.)

• Also in February, a 32-year-old North Carolina man pulled a gun on his mother and robbed her after she refused to give him money. That echoed the story of the Alaska man who held up his mom at gunpoint because she would not pay his $430 parking fine. (That’s appalling: Who charges $430 for a parking ticket?)

Some say a poor Mother’s Day performance should be expected from children. Given the poor quality of the typical Canadian dad, no one should be shocked if the apple not only falls close to the tree, but is left there to rot by a child too indolent to pick up his or her own laundry, let alone stray fruit.

To which I say, if you’re lucky enough to still have your mom around, give her a nice Mother’s Day surprise (though not like the one experienced by the Victoria woman who gave birth while on an Air Canada flight to Tokyo on Mother’s Day 2015; she didn’t know she was pregnant). Say you’re sorry. Say thank you. Tell her how you feel, really.