Dear Citizens/Chers Citoyens,
On behalf of the government/gouvernement of Canada/le grand pink bit sur la map, and our new prime minister, Kawhi Leonard, I once again would like to welcome/bienvenue you to our national celebration, Canada Day/Fête du Face Painting.
It’s a time when proud Canadians/Canadiens from coast to coast to coast are united by a common goal: avoiding the porta-potties at the Canada Day/Fête du Face Painting festivities.
Alas, under the radiant red of our temporary Maple Leaf tattoos, the slightest blush of pink has coloured the cheeks of the Great White North this year. The pink of embarrassment.
It turns out that while we may love our country, Canuckleheads are a tad hazy on the details. A story in Friday’s/Vendredi’s edition of the Times Colonist/Côlon Timide revealed that two-thirds of us just flunked a Canadian trivia test.
Note that the most ignorant of all were those from B.C., where only 22 per cent were able to pass Historica Canada’s online challenge, which was made up of 30 true-or-false questions. To repeat: Just 22 per cent passed a test in which even a drunken chimpanzee/supporteur de Trump randomly pounding on the keys would have a 50-50 chance of clearing the bar.
Fortunately, we at the government/gouvernement would like to offer you a shot at redemption with our own Canadiana quiz. Here goes:
We first used the name Canada Day in 1982. Prior to that the July 1 holiday was known as:
A) Dominion Day
B) Independence Day
C) $1.49 Day
D) likely to involve a three-sailing wait at Tsawwassen
Canada topped the global Quality of Life rankings for 2019. This news:
A) reflects a robust economy, high level of personal freedom and broad access to food, opportunity, education and health care
B) is something we like to casually mention to the 17th-place Americans
C) does not stop Victorians from moaning about bike lanes
D) is terribly disappointing to every angry troll on social media
After sitting at a dock in the Philippines for six years, 70 shipping containers of contaminated Canadian recycling were returned to the Lower Mainland on Saturday. The trash will be:
A) incinerated in Burnaby
B) buried at Shawnigan Lake
C) returned to your blue box
D) given its own show on Fox News
The highest point in Canada is:
A) Mt. Logan
B) Mt. Robson
C) the CN Tower
D) Seth Rogen’s* basement (*though note that Snoop Dogg is playing the Laketown Shakedown in Lake Cowichan tonight)
Canada’s lowest point is found:
A) where the ocean meets the shore
B) in Vancouver, where the Canada Line dips 29 metres below sea level in the False Creek Tunnel
C) at the bottom of Great Slave Lake, North America’s deepest body of water
D) any time Don Cherry opens his mouth
The coldest place in Canada is:
A) Eureka, Nunavut, with a year-round average temperature of -19.7 C
B) Snag, Yukon, which in February 1947 recorded a low of -63 C
C) B.C. next winter, if Jason (Turn Off The Taps) Kenney gets his way
D) Your house after you get caught checking out the neighbour
The hottest guy in Canada is:
A) Ryan Reynolds
B) Ryan Gosling
C) Kenney, when he sees a picture of John Horgan in an airplane
D) Look at the column photo, dear reader. Look at the column photo
The newly crowned champion Toronto Raptors’ slogan is:
A) We the North
B) We the Centre of The Universe
C) We Don’t Like the Maple Leafs Either
D) We the North, Though Toronto Is Actually South of St. Paul, Minnesota and Portland, Oregon, Both of Which Have NBA Teams
Canada’s most valuable export is:
A) Alberta bitumen
B) B.C. coal
C) B.C. Bud
D) Justin Bieber
We wish to apologize for:
A) Alberta bitumen
B) B.C. coal
C) B.C. Bud
D) Justin Bieber
Canada’s longest place name is
A) Pekwachnamaykoskwaskwaypinwanik Lake, Manitoba
B) the Quebec parish of L’Annonciation-de-la-Bienheureuse-Vierge-Marie-de-Nazareth
C) the Ontario township of Dysart, Dudley, Harcourt, Guilford, Harburn, Bruton, Havelock, Eyre and Clyde, commonly known as the Municipality of Dysart et al
D) still shorter than listing the dozen communities that comprise Greater Victoria (motto: You can never have enough Saaniches)
