Last week, we heard from a mom worried about street play that was getting out of control, an issue that's timely, given recent warm weather.
"We live on a street with many children," she wrote, "and there is a group of boys ages five to 13 (most in the six-to-nine range) who play together regularly, mostly uneventfully. About nine months ago, a new family moved in with two boys.
"The boys are here every other week, since their parents recently split up. We were told when they moved in that the younger one "has some challenges," but we are beginning to realize they both do.
"Since their arrival, the number of extremely loud screaming matches has gone from a couple per week to several per day, and recently, since the boys all like to play with foam swords, it has escalated to more physical violence.
"The mother says her younger boy is very high energy, and just goes full out with his hitting, but that they were never exposed to swords before coming to our street. This boy frequently (and loudly) loses his temper.
"The new boys also do a lot of trash talking, which of course, the other kids are now doing. Originally, we wanted to do whatever we could to help the boys, since we believe it does take a village to raise a child. However, they seem to have no consequences for their actions (other than being talked to) - we've never seen them grounded, or have privileges or sweets (which they are constantly eating) taken away. The situation is escalating and we are very frustrated.
"We can't simply cancel playdates - we live next door, so the kids keep wanting to play together, and we don't want to create animosity amongst the adults.
"Values and treating each other properly are very important to us, and we have had no trouble, along with the other parents, in dealing with issues as they have cropped up in the past (our children are certainly no angels, and have occasionally behaved atrociously, too), but we can't seem to get a handle on this. Help!"
Here's what our parent educators had to say:
Iagree that keeping the relationship with the adults healthy is a good idea - otherwise things really could spin out of control. Most parents will get their backs up if you judge their children or their parenting, and as you say, all the children can have times when they cross the line.
Children are limited in terms of negotiation skills, impulse control and regulating their feelings (some more than others).
They are also egocentric and usually unable to fully understand the effect that their behaviour has on others. Over time, as we teach them about the feelings of others, they can start to monitor their own behaviour based on their values.
Yet this learning can take all of childhood, so we do need to set limits on behaviours that can hurt others.
This doesn't mean enforcing good manners and expecting forced apologies; it means thinking about some very sensible and basic rules that the kids can understand. It also means that as the parent, you set the rules for your household and they apply to all the children who play on your property.
You can let the other parents, including your neighbour, know that you might be following through by ending playdates that get out of hand and welcome that parent to do the same. You can explain that you notice the roughhousing escalating and you'd like to have some basic guidelines in place to keep all the kids safe.
Removing privileges and taking away sweets doesn't work. You can stop out-of-bounds behaviour by redirecting the kids or having them end a playdate, depending on the severity of the behaviour. There are other tools you will need as well:
- Attack the problem, not the person, by making specific observations of what you see or hear rather than telling a child that he is being mean, disrespectful or rude.
- If you hear situations escalating, you can step in and mediate by hearing each child's thoughts and feelings without taking sides or playing referee.
- Once you have identified an issue (one toy and two kids that want to play with it), ask them to come up with ideas to solve the problem.
- Intervene in activities if they typically lead to out-of-control behaviour, rather than setting them up for failure and fights.
- Support the kids to develop strategies to keep themselves safe.
- Give a warning if behaviour is
getting off the charts and have a three-strikes-you're-out rule (this gives them time to change gears).
- If a behaviour is against the rules and hurting someone, get serious, intervene, stop the play and send the children off, if necessary.
- Do not get involved in areas that you don't need to. There is great wisdom in giving kids enough space to work things out.
Helping children to learn to become caring and responsible takes many different approaches, including coaching them and talking about feelings, thoughts and ideas. This you do when you have the patience. At other times, you step in and follow through.
Grounding children should only happen when the behaviour is serious and it should be for a fairly short period of time.
Often, when you ground a child, other children suffer, as they lose that playtime. So do the parents, as they end up with a miserable child at home.
Finally, some of this is great learning for the kids. Think of some of the skills they are developing as they partake in childhood play. Figuring out how to monitor their own behaviour and navigate through the intricacies of socializing can only fully happen with experience. Protecting and letting go are both a part of healthy parenting.
Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars
This is a frustrating problem but you can get to a better place in your neighbourhood. First of all, I suggest you befriend the new boys. They need to know that you care about them and will help them through the play challenges.
Next, I suggest all the parents get together to discuss your kids and agree on some parameters to the children's play. After all, no child in the group plays well all the time. Agreeing on what to let the boys do about overly aggressive play, unacceptable language, shouting etc. is a good start.
Then as a group, sit down with the boys, and let them know what you will and will not be able to tolerate. This way, the boys know that no matter whose house they are playing near, every parent will support the plan and be around to guide them.
When the boys are at your place, watch for problems building, give a warning if things are getting out of hand, and then if things continue to escalate to an unacceptable level, follow it by telling the boys that things are not working for them today and everyone needs to go home, and they can try again tomorrow.
Be firm, kind and consistent and before long all the children will learn the routines and be able to comply.
Imposed consequences (grounding, withdrawal of sweets etc.) do not work in the long run, but the more logical, natural consequences of not being able to continue to play if they cannot follow your guidelines, will let them know that there are lines that must not be crossed.
The key to all of this is collecting the parents and building relationships with them so that together you all can guide these children.
You are right - it does take a village to raise a child and the children need to learn to follow the adults' lead. With many families living far apart these days, it is a great idea to rely on neighbours and friends to be there for your children.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator Next week's question:
My 6 1 /2-year-old daughter has an extremely difficult time making decisions, no matter how minor. I try to limit her choices, but given three options for breakfast, she'll say she doesn't want any of them, or dither endlessly. Same with clothes.
If I just force the
breakfast/clothes issue by giving her no choice, she cries and makes a big fuss. I've tried to enlist her help to come up with ways to deal with this, but we seem to be at a stalemate. I'm worried she will grow up being paralyzed by decision-making.
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to features@timescolonist.com. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
