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Ignore four-year-old's cheeky demands

Last week, a mother wrote for help with her four-year-old daughter, who likes to issue orders. "She talks to me like she's talking to the family dog," she wrote.

Last week, a mother wrote for help with her four-year-old daughter, who likes to issue orders. "She talks to me like she's talking to the family dog," she wrote. "I call her on it all the time, and ask her to speak to me more respectfully, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. How can I teach her respect when it's such a difficult concept to explain? I think I model respect for her and her sister, but it doesn't appear to make any difference."

Here's what our parent educators had to say:

You're right - you can't explain a concept like respect to a four-year-old. Calling her on it all the time is actually making the behaviour worse and I doubt it's doing much for your relationship. You're getting caught in the cycle of negative attentiongiving, which is easy to do with a four-year-old. We don't call this the first adolescence for nothing.

They are in a huge transition stage, defying your power by acting cheeky, not wanting to do things you want them to do (like brushing teeth or getting into the carseat) and saying things like "You are a bad mommy!"

One minute they're declaring their independence, then suddenly, they cling and regress, wanting you to do things for them they can do themselves. They also start to tell tall tales and take things without asking.

When my daughter was four, we found ourselves in the same position. My husband and I decided we were going to ignore as much cheeky behaviour as possible. The trick was that we needed to give her our full attention when she was being reasonable. This was hard, because the reasonable behaviour was hard to spot until one day, I heard her say .... "OK!"

My inflexible child agreed!

Here are some tips:

- Figure out what you can safely ignore and do so pas-

sively - or more actively, by turning your back and getting busy with something.

- Give her lots of positive attention before or after the negative behaviour, or when she is acting reasonable.

- Grant no favours where there is a demand - withhold action without being reactive.

- Script her without scolding: for example, "This is a good time to say please."

- Don't sweat the small stuff and have a sense of humour.

- Roll with the punches.

Don't expect a four-year-old to be more mature than they are capable of being. Children learn manners from their parents and from being treated with kindness. Always maintain your connection, because within your relationship, she will find positive ways to engage with you.

Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars

Children are very clever at figuring out how to get what they want. If simple asking does not work, they will up the ante and try to demand, asking in louder, ruder tones and even throwing tantrums. As parents, too often we can't take it and give in. This teaches the child that:

- They can get what they want if they shout loud enough;

- Rudeness and tantrums are the key to success; and

- They are in charge

Children should not be in charge in the household. It is a responsibility far too great to bear. As parents, as hard as it is, we must be firmly in control and when the answer must be "no," no matter how rude or abusive our children get, we must not change our minds - especially when they are rude and abusive. Your child behaves this way because it works. To change things, you will want to take control and try very hard not to change your mind as tempers rise.

- When all is calm in your household and you are feeling especially close to your daughter, tell her that you have been thinking and you have decided that when she is rude and demanding, the answer will always be "no."

- She will need to know that when she needs anything, you will only consider it if she asks respectfully. You can give her examples of what that looks like. Tell her that sometimes the answer will still be "no," but that it's your job to know what's best and that you will get through it together.

- Resist the very real temptation to shout back or be rude when she is being rude and demanding. Simply tell her in a calm voice that this behaviour is not OK and do not respond in any other way, ignoring the behaviour if it continues. Whatever you do, do not give in to keep the peace.

- If it happens in public, stop whatever is going on and tell your child you are going home, and make a quick exit. If she calms down, say that you will try again another time, but for now, this trip is over.

- When ordering, demanding behaviour occurs, ignore everything, leaving the room if need be. When she calms down and asks properly, listen carefully, hold her close and if you need to say "no," tears will likely ensue as your daughter realizes that further begging is futile.

Tears are the first step to adapting to the situation and accepting that she cannot control everything. Children often shed tears several times a day; this shows that they are adapting to the world around them and beginning to mature and grow the way Mother Nature intends.

If you are patient, in a few short weeks your daughter will understand that demanding and rude behaviour gets her nowhere and she will behave more often as you hope.

Jean Bigelow Parent Educator

NEXT QUESTION:

Should a 20-year-old who is still living at home, attending university and not paying rent, have a curfew or be required to follow house rules about not coming home impaired, letting the parent know who they are with, etc., when there are younger children in the home?

Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send input to features@timescolonist.com. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.

- LIFE Seminars courses begin in October. Go to lifeseminars.com for more information