Dear Lisi: I’m dating a twin. He and his brother are identical in appearance, but quite different in personality. They look so much alike that no one in my family can tell them apart, especially at functions when they are both dressed similarly in suits. Even their hair is the same, down to the colour, matching cowlicks, and style.
People always ask me how I “chose” my boyfriend over his brother. We met at a party. His brother was out of town, or he would have been there too.
After about two months of dating, they did try to trick me (twin test?) but even before his brother sat down, I knew he wasn’t my boyfriend.
We’ve now been together for a year and I’m really happy. Except for one thing. His brother has hit on me twice. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t tell my boyfriend after the first time. We were a group, all a bit drunk and getting cosy. I almost didn’t even remember it happened.
But he just did it again, sober.
What do I do?
Twin Trouble
You must tell your boyfriend. I’m sorry — that’s probably not what you wanted to hear.
He’s either going to laugh it off or freak out. Either way, it could be the end of your relationship. I know that’s not ideal, but if you have any sense of self-worth, you’ll know in your heart that behaviour isn’t acceptable. If he laughs it off, run.
Dear Lisi: My wife has a very good job and a high income. I’m a commercial actor and sometimes the money is good; other times, it’s not. I work hard, but unfortunately, it’s not always in my control. My wife is very understanding; even when I’m not making a lot, I have residuals coming in and we’re fine.
Because she’s always looked after herself, when she wants something, she just buys it. The problem is, she’ll mention something, say a new purse, or jacket she saw while walking to work. I’ll make a mental note to get it for her birthday, or Valentine’s Day, or whatever. But before the day comes, she’s gone out and purchased the item. It happens every time.
If I ask her what she wants, she’ll say nothing. I feel as though I’m always one step behind. How do I get on top of this?
Gift Gulch
You’ve told me what the problem is…. have you told your wife? As you mentioned, she’s always taken care of herself and she has the financial means to do so. I’m guessing she’s not trying to usurp your gift giving. I don’t think she even realizes what she’s doing.
Tell her you love her and enjoy buying her gifts you know she’ll like. Tell her you hear her when she mentions things. She’s smart enough to hear you, and should start dropping you hints moving forward.
FEEDBACK Regarding the father saddened that his daughter doesn’t want children (Feb. 22):
Reader – “Not all women are genetically suited (meaning, in my opinion, they don’t have the parenting instinct) to be mothers. Yes, you say “it’s her body” but I don’t think that statement goes far enough. I announced to my mother when I was four years old that I wasn’t having children, and I have never wanted them nor did I have any. It would have been a big mistake if I had, and almost everyone can think of a woman who had children and it didn’t work out well.
“People who are self-aware enough to realize they aren’t suited to parenthood will benefit, if parents stop assuming that what worked for them, will work for everyone. Not true.”
Lisi – I agree with you that those who know in their heart of hearts that they don’t want children, shouldn’t have children. I think this dad is missing his wife and feels, rightly or wrongly, that her untimely death had something to do with his daughter’s decision. I think he’s grasping at anything that will attach him to his deceased wife and mother of his children. I felt sad for him.
FEEDBACK regarding the ungrateful grandchildren (Feb. 24):
Reader – “I have a very large family with many grandchildren and great grandchildren, and buying gifts for all of them is way out of my budget. At Christmas I donate what I can afford, in the family’s name, to a local charity. While my family is happy with this, others may not be, but the grandmother will know that the recipients of her donation will be more than grateful.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca or lisi@thestar.ca
