Dear Lisi: My daughter did absolutely nothing for me on Mother’s Day and I am beyond hurt. We have always had a good relationship; as a child, she would draw the most beautiful cards and her father would buy flowers on her behalf. As a young teenager, she would purchase cards on her own and get me something small from the mall, with money she requested from her dad.
She was away at university this year, which her father and I paid for, and had a successful year, as far as we know. She came back, spent a week sleeping, meeting friends, etc. Then she told us she was going up to a friend’s cottage to help them open it for the summer, and they were paying her to do the landscaping (basic cleanup, planting flowers) and maintenance (cleaning patio furniture etc.). It sounded fun and ideal to us and off she went.
By Thursday, she said she was staying a few more days. The weather was magnificent and she was having a blast. Neither my husband nor I thought anything of it, because both of us “knew” she’d be home by Sunday for Mother’s Day.
But Sunday came and went — no phone call, no card, no daughter. My husband tried to call her several times, but she didn’t pick up. He took me out for dinner to help ease my hurt, but I’m crushed.
Our daughter came home on Tuesday as though nothing has happened. My husband is out of town, and I can’t even look at her, I’m so hurt. What do I do?
Hurt Momma
I am emotional and sentimental like you, from the sounds of it, and I, too, would be so hurt by something like that. So, my advice to both of us would be: have a good cry with someone who gets you, then pull up your big girl panties and get over it. Do not go into attack mode; it won’t end well. When you’ve calmed down and moved forward, casually ask your daughter why she let Mother’s Day pass without any acknowledgment.
Hear her out. Who knows? Maybe she thinks it’s the following Sunday. Maybe she completely forgot. Or maybe she has some other reason. If it’s the first one, you can laugh and get excited for what’s in store. If it’s the second, she may already feel badly and not know how to make it up to you.
If it’s anything else, just tell her what the day means to you, why, and your hopes for the future. And if she says anything negative, like she doesn’t believe in Hallmark holidays, it’s just marketing, consumerism, etc., tell her that she has a right to her opinions, but that it means something to you, and that should matter enough for her to make you a card and pick wildflowers (both free).
Dear Lisi: I have a hand that just doesn’t work properly. I’ve had a few operations, which helped, but it’s still not functioning the way it should. The problem is that to everyone else, my hand looks fine.
I’ll be out for dinner and suddenly won’t be able to use my fork. My family and good friends know, and will subtly help, but if we’re with someone not that close, it becomes awkward.
How do I explain my situation without seeming helpless?
Not so handy
It’s up to you, but I like humour. If your partner starts cutting your meat at the table, you could joke, “We miss having toddlers.” And then explain that you have a hand with a mind of its own. The less “heavy” you make the situation, the less of an issue it will be.
Dear Readers — I wanted to share a feedback with you regarding the 92-year-old man who didn’t want to go to indoor venues. It’s the second letter with a similar sentiment, but this time from a professional.
Reader — “As an audiologist, my first thought is that this gentleman likely has hearing loss. Restaurants, movie theatres and other venues may well be too noisy for him. It is much more difficult to hear and follow conversations in these situations.
“People’s homes are quieter and would allow him to manipulate the environment so that he can hear those that he loves. It is much easier to follow a one-on-one, or small group conversation, in a quiet environment than in a noisy one. He may wish to have a hearing test by an audiologist, a regulated health professional, for an opinion on his potential hearing loss and whether or not hearing aids would be suitable for him.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca or lisi@thestar.ca
