Dear Ellie: After a divorce in my late 20s, I had two serious relationships. Both those men broke my heart.
Six months ago, at 40, a male friend and I fell deeply in love. It has been the most comfortable, trusting relationship I’ve known.
Problem: He’s been offered his dream job in another city. It’s not about distance, but a reality issue.
We’re both doing work which we love. I have loyal clients here. His promotion is everything he’s worked toward, including the location.
He’s bound to meet new people, including women. And I like to socialize, which can also lead to meeting someone new.
I’m thinking that we shouldn’t make promises to each other, and see how things go. Your thoughts?
Right Man, Bad Timing
A very mature-sounding decision. Yet you’re already distancing to protect your feelings if he dates someone else.
It’s premature. You’re both still in love.
The future is unknown, but your past made you recognize this man’s value and the joy of a loving relationship.
That should give you both the trust to take things slow-but-sure as the logical choice. First, he moves. He’ll soon discover if it’s as positive a situation as he hopes.
Next, you visit, soon. You’ll both see if long-distance can work, for a useful period regarding his work/career.
With mutual visits every two months, and vacations together, a relationship can survive, even thrive, for as long as you both want it.
Worth a try!
Reader’s Commentary “The accompanist “harassed” by her employer to date a voice-student (Jan. 10) later wrote that it had happened 20 years ago (Feb. 12):
“Both weren’t attractive then and both were talented musically.
“Maybe the older woman was right that the guy deserved a good woman since he could’ve benefited from the support/attentions of that young woman.
“Maybe the owner saw potential in him. The accompanist had a too-high opinion of herself, looking the way she did, to turn him down.
“It wasn’t so out of line 20 years ago to expect a woman to take care of a needy guy.”
Ellie: I published this to show that there’s still much work to be done to fight gender discrimination, disrespect and body-shaming.
It was wrong 20 years ago, and more wrong today to think that a woman was obliged to accept advances from a man she didn’t care for, and also to be exploited sexually by her boss.
Ellie’s tip of the day
It’s worth a try to give true love a chance.
Note to readers: For years, I’ve answered your questions two weeks ahead, to be on time for their publication date. Thus, recent columns were written before the full reality of COVID-19 elicited your concerns. Some columns still include your pre-virus issues, but many will soon reflect how our relationships are affected in the new not-so-normal.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
Follow @ellieadvice.
