Dear Ellie: I’m losing it in this marriage. She was the first girl I met on the internet, eight years ago. Several dates later, she stayed over. I had to work next morning, so gave her my key to lock up. But after a while of her yelling at me whenever I’d go out and constant accusations of cheating, I asked her to move out. She refused. I began to drink more. When I tried to break up, she threatened to inform my parents that I was a drinker. She refused my suggestions that she leave. She was in school so I didn’t want to affect her education by insisting. When she finished school, it was a good time to end it, but she’d bought herself a ring. She ignored my saying I couldn’t be engaged.
She had many lows throughout the next couple of years — being in a bad workplace, and then getting caught innocently in the midst of a street shooting that killed two people and injured others. Wedding planning gave her something to focus on and distract her. She couldn’t/wouldn’t accept my not wanting to get married, threatening harming herself.
Now I’m miserable and don’t know what to do. We’re incompatible. She’s very anxious about the world; I’m adventurous and social. I’m accused of always putting her down and not understanding her.
Married and Miserable
Step One: Go to a website with lists of online experts who can diagnose whether Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is what’s affecting her, and counsel you both about her anxiety. She needs help to rebuild self-confidence and trust others.
Step Two: Stop excusing your own inaction and urge her to choose someone to counsel her online, individually.
From earliest days, you’ve unintentionally added to her insecurity by caving to her moving in, drinking to avoid discussion, hiding from serious confrontation, and marrying against your own feelings.
But now you recognize the effects of her terrifying exposure to gun violence.
This isn’t only about your unhappiness. Help her deal with her anxieties, so she can handle her daily life and become able to face the future.
Once she can regain self-confidence, she may also recognize that you’re not the right partner for her.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
