Dear Ellie: I’m in a relationship with someone I hold dearly, but he’s mad at me and sleeping by himself because of what I did.
I went behind his back and helped somebody after saying I wouldn’t. That somebody was my ex who had been my current boyfriend’s buddy.
I’m torn by my current guy’s behaviour as his reaction is emotionally cruel. I’ve told him I’m sorry but he throws the “sin” of my past ex in my face.
He knew all about my ex’s sins with me. I have no desire towards him except on a friendship basis. The “current” knows that.
Help me please. I’m 12 years older than my current. In all other aspects of our relationship, he’s very attentive but says he can’t trust me.
Sleeping Alone
Your previous lovers such as this “ex” are from a time when you were free to choose a relationship with whomever you pleased.
But once in a new relationship, it’s usually not helpful to a) connect with an ex “behind the back” of your boyfriend, and b) do so when that ex had formerly been his buddy.
There are too many episodes of intimacy from that past situation, and that is why you’ve landed in trouble with the person you call your “current.”
Maybe you find that label cute. But it may signal to him that he’s someone you’ll eventually discard… an attitude that makes him wary about your contact with your ex.
Apologize sincerely. He’s hurt, and also unsure if he can trust you with that friend. From my reading, “emotional cruelty” is being felt by him as much as by you.
If your ex needed help, you could’ve mentioned this to your boyfriend and asked his opinion about whether you two could help him. That’s what partners do… speak openly, decide together.
From your 12 years beyond your boyfriend’s age, it’s time to show more practical wisdom and thoughtfulness in what you do and say. Hopefully, your boyfriend will accept your apology.
Readers’ commentary regarding the father, dismissive of his daughter’s partner’s “low caste,” forcing her to marry someone of his choice or he’ll cut all ties with her (May 28):
I married outside my religion — no problem for my family, huge one for his widowed mother who disowned him.
After a year, she saw what she was missing then and in future. When I wrote to invite her to her son’s graduation and that he’d been accepted into a doctoral programme, her pride in him brought her around… with some bumps on the way.
But the two grandchildren she adored made it worth her while to bend her principles.
Maybe it’s time for this woman to let her father know what he stands to lose if he cuts her off.
Also, maybe note that since the mother was in the father and brother’s care when she died, perhaps the stress they put on the woman was a contributing factor in her death.
Giving in to the bigotry of the caste system is no different from giving into white racism in North America. Is she willing to give up everything she has and submit to a future of bullying just to retain contact with two men who could be so cruel and ignorant as to blame her for her mother’s death?
Or can she face them down knowing that she, too, holds a few cards, and that many parents who break off relations with their children do eventually re-establish the relationship.
Reader 2: The daughter should fully evaluate the situation.
Sadly, this story reminds me of at least two horrific events of the past, which were murders by family members and known as “honour killings” resulting in convictions in the early 2000s.
In both Canadian cases, women were killed by the father and/or brother, for the dubious purpose of saving family pride.
If there’s any possibility of danger in this young woman’s life, she should get advice (legal and from police) and counselling. She may then consider advising her father and brother of those steps she’s taking.
This may be enough to shake them out of their “home culture” heads and into North American society norms/ tolerances/laws.
I’ve seen both sides of the “mixing of cultures.” If both sides are open and willing to learn about the other’s culture it can be a very good relationship. But if one side tries to dominate the other, the relationship is doomed.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Treat each significant relationship as unique, and leave the past behind.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
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