Dear Ellie: I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost six years and have two children together. He was into methamphetamine when we first got together. Numerous women from different towns have told me that they’ve slept with him. They’ve sent me his phone number, pictures, texts between them and him.
They’ve told me all about his life, our kids’ lives, that I left my family and moved away (a lie). They say he’s taken my kids to their homes.
When I question him and show proof, he denies even knowing them. He swears he hasn’t used drugs since we’ve been together, but I’ve found needles. He’s also been verbal and physical with me in the past when he was supposedly sleeping with these women.
That’s been over a year now. But I’ve caught him emailing a woman.
All the times he was supposedly sleeping with these women he claimed to be going to his uncle’s house. I don’t know if I can ever believe/trust him again.
I love him because he’s really a beautiful person, he just has issues. How can I get him to be honest? He thinks that I’m going to leave him, but I won’t if I know the truth. Maybe then we can seek help together.
Desperate for Honest Answers
I’m concerned for this very disturbing time in your life and that of your children.
You fell in love with this man when he was already using a dangerous drug. Whatever his other “issues” are, his drug habit has overwhelmed your relationship with lies, plus physical and verbal abuse. You need to take action to protect yourself and your children. The nasty reports from other women can’t just be dismissed. You must recognize the effects of methamphetamine (“meth”): it’s a potent drug that’s very addictive. Made and distributed from illegal laboratories believed run by drug syndicates, everything about meth is dangerous.
Your husband cannot be fully trusted until he’s clean from his drug use. That won’t happen until you insist that he get treatment through a rehab program.
Learn what’s involved in meth dependency, so you understand the work that he has to do. There’s even a period when the meth user may harm himself or others.
Search online for a program that you and he can both access and get informed about what’s available within your circumstances. Tell your husband you love him but can’t live with him and the likelihood that he’s lying and still using… until he gets help.
Dear Ellie: When do I inform a friend about how others really see her? She’s a caring person with some deep sensitivities so I don’t want to hurt her. But she seems to think that she must be smarter/look sharper than other women, to be considered “successful” even among friends.
She’ll dominate a conversation with “facts,” when others want a joint discussion. She’ll dress stylishly even for online get-togethers, though the others in our “chat circle” feel that it’s silly during a pandemic.
Holding Back Truths
Unless she asks for help making/keeping friends, it’s not your job to deliver hurtful criticism from others.
Women’s discussion groups aren’t usually held by shy wallflowers. They can speak up, change the format to a different “leader” each time, or just have everyone speak for a limited time.
As for her clothes, why care? She’s enjoying her wardrobe… not so surprising when there’s far fewer places to do so during self-isolation due to COVID-19.
Reader’s Commentary More information regarding the man asked by his close female friend to be a sperm donor to impregnate her (October 22):
“Under very similar circumstances, a friend of mine received the following legal advice:
1) A loose oral promise from a would-be mother to release a man from obligations towards their child would probably not stand up in court should either parent change their mind about the arrangement. 2) Even social services could come after him for support if the mother wound up on welfare. “Anyone contemplating such an arrangement should consult a family law specialist and think long and hard about it.
“If both then decide to go ahead, they should have a legal contract drawn up by a lawyer and witnessed. They should be aware that even that contract may not guarantee them what they might want several years ahead.
“These two haven’t yet considered long-term consequences for the child and themselves.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Drug addiction affects not only the user but also harms the whole family. Seek help for everyone involved.
Send relationship questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow @ellieadvice.