Dear Ellie: When I was 18, I met a married man (step-cousin) who treated me like a princess. I saw him at family events. He always teased me saying that one day we’d be together.
I heard he got married when I was at university, and a few years later I graduated and married my then-boyfriend. By 30, I had three children and a predictable life. My husband and I got along well, though he wasn’t a passionate man.
When my former admirer saw me, he repeated that we’d end up “together.” He asked my cousin where and when I shop and “accidentally” met me several times.
He’d talk about his feelings for me and I liked the flattery. He convinced me to leave my husband, we both divorced, and my ex and I had a co-parenting schedule of alternate weeks.
It was a mistake. My new husband turned out to be a controller — about where I went, who I saw, how I raised my kids, everything.
My ex-husband soon saw how unhappy I became. He was kind enough to not be disgusted with me, and encouraged me to get counselling to regain my confidence and decide my own future.
Then my husband suddenly died. He’d had a heart condition that was never diagnosed. I was shocked and grieved for him but also for myself and the mess I’d let happen.
I need help deciding where I go from here. Our children have openly said that they’d like their parents to get back together. I’m still in counselling.
Your thoughts?
Sad and Lost
Some lessons take longer to learn. Your late-husband “groomed” you to be easily wooed by him. He was a serial controller who set you up for changing everything in your life for his approval and desires.
Fortunately, your ex-husband has qualities immediately needed by you and the children. He’s kind, and practical about normalizing the children’s lives as much as possible for now.
Stay with counselling. It’s obvious that you need to understand yourself and your own needs better before making another major move.
Dear Ellie: I’m dying to have a threesome with my wife and a single best buddy/neighbour. During our love-making my wife of 38 years talks dirty and wants me to say the naughty things we both can do with her.
But after sex, she doesn’t want that scene. She only wants the fantasy as it gets her over the moon. It works for me too, and I could arrange it in a minute.
I know that my friend would be a happy participant if I asked him. We’re not getting any younger now.
She often raises being tied up blindfolded and having sex with us both. Is this a good idea? I think she’ll later be angry.
I think all day about what I need to do to get her to participate and enjoy it.
If I don’t put this issue to bed soon, I’ll never know, as we’re moving far away soon.
Eager for Threesome
If your wife really wants this, it would’ve happened already. Her sexual fantasy is a mutual turn-on. But you already know that she’d be angry if you so willingly shared her with another man.
Taking that risk doesn’t make sense when your sex life is so satisfying. The presence of another man might upset her for a long time ahead.
Stay with what works so well. You have a great track record, and still have healthy lovemaking years ahead!
Dear Ellie: Me and four girlfriends, all late-20s, have rented a cottage for three nights. We’re all double-vaccinated, happy to be spending time together with no work, family, or significant others after months apart.
Recently, one girlfriend was in my neighbourhood so called to meet for a walk. She immediately lit up a cigarette. I remembered that she’d quit smoking years ago. She said she’d started again during COVID.
OK, I understand what boredom and anxiety can do. But we’ll be together over four days. Personally, I find smoking disgusting, especially when in the clean air of Nature.
What can I say/do about this?
Upset
You can ask her to only smoke outside of the cottage, and not in the car. Also, to be very careful with butts when walking among trees, bushes etc. Don’t preach. She has a right to her personal habits if she doesn’t impose them on your space or safety.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Distrust being swept up by excessive flattery and purposeful grooming for another’s wishes.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
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