Dear Ellie: My ex-husband and I became close friends with another couple we met through his work 15 years ago. We even took a cruise together.
Suddenly, the other woman’s husband left her. He had “issues”… but a year later he was living with someone else.
My husband helped his shocked colleague adjust, until she relied totally on him. Because I was lonely, I joined a drama group, and became friendly with its interesting leader. We had weekly classes, but he and I saw each other in between. As a result, I ended my marriage. Now, we are two separate couples with a previous tie between three of us, and three children (I have two, she has one).
It wasn’t easy but despite troubles with the kids’ confusion then anger, both couples are still together. My question: What’s wrong with getting divorced if you find you love someone else?
Divorced and happy
Ask the kids. I don’t say that divorce is “wrong.” I say that it’s very difficult, especially for children caught in changes they either don’t understand, or can’t or won’t accept.
Also, if it’s contrary to one spouse’s inner belief system, it can remain a difficult, guilt-ridden choice that negatively affects any next union.
Dear Readers: I must address the large response to the husband’s letter about his wife’s repeated “wave cycle” of angry, nasty behaviour to him for two weeks of every month.
Since this had been going on for 21 years, it seemed well beyond the norm, which many women, including myself, experience with pre-menstrual and menstrual cramps, bloating and irritability that can last up to two weeks.
Given the time span and its effect on both of them, I believed they must have already explored whether hormones were involved. So, I looked for a possible other reason for extreme mood swings and quoted a Mayo Clinic site on Bipolar Disorder. Besides suggesting psychological counselling, I recommended she see her family doctor.
Here’s what some readers wrote that may prove very helpful to the woman in question and to others:
Reader 1: “Many women with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, similar to premenstrual syndrome PMS but more serious) are often diagnosed with bipolar.
“I’m almost certain from the husband’s description that it’s what’s causing massive amounts of suffering for him and his wife. It seems to be a disorder at the cellular level to estrogen and progesterone. I have it. It’s hell. I know his wife is suffering. It’s important for her to know her diagnosis.”
Reader 2: “This woman is probably in some stage of menopause. She should see a women’s health issue specialist.”
Reader 3: “His wife is likely suffering from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder,” as described in Moody Bitches, by Julie Holland MD, on page 36.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Divorcing parents must try hard over years to help children adjust, while acknowledging their pain and loss and reassuring them of continued love.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice
