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PREST: Sports Year in Review 2020: Catch the Fever!

HOST: Hello sports fans! Welcome to the Wide World of Sports, 2020 edition. This promises to be another great year of non-stop excitement around the globe.

HOST: Hello sports fans! Welcome to the Wide World of Sports, 2020 edition. This promises to be another great year of non-stop excitement around the globe. Let’s waste no time and throw it down to Jim Nantz and Tony Romo on the field for that annual sports calendar kickoff extravaganza, the Super Bowl!

Nantz: Thanks friend. Well Tony Romo, you’re famous for your predictions. What do you see happening in today’s Super Bowl?

Romo: Well Jim, I see this thing maybe being tied 10-10 at halftime before Kansas City starts pulling away for a 31-20 win over the 49ers. Watch for superstar QB Patrick Mahomes to be in the running for MVP, coming through with something in the neighbourhood of 286 yards passing with two touchdowns and maybe another 29 yards plus a score on the ground.

Nantz: That’s very specific Tony. Let’s see how it plays out.

[Five hours later]

Nantz: And Kansas City has won the Super Bowl! They take it 31-20, and Patrick Mahomes is your MVP. Wow, you really nailed that prediction, Tony. What else can you predict?

Romo: Well Jim, that was a heck of a football game, and hats off to K.C. and coach Andy Ried on a well-deserved win. I do have one more thing to add: I’m not loving the look of this “coronavirus.” It’s been on the fringes of the global radar for only a few weeks now but its spread seems incredibly aggressive, with human-to-human and even asymptomatic transmission, and there are already nearly a dozen confirmed cases right here in the United States. I could see this thing getting out of control quickly if we don’t take immediate, drastic action. My hopes aren’t high for that though, as our current political leadership has never shown any ability to manage any type of crisis, let alone a full-blown global pandemic. I could see our president try his usual tactics of bluffing and blustering but doing nothing constructive as he continues the red-hatted grift on his loyal base. Meanwhile hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of Americans could die as we fall woefully behind every other nation on Earth in terms of controlling this thing.

Nantz: Uh….

Romo: And I’m picking K.C. for a Super Bowl repeat!

Host: Thanks Jim and Tony! Let’s jump ahead to March and the NBA stretch drive where our sideline reporter is live now with Utah Jazz centre and French national team player Rudy Gobert.

Reporter: Rudy, two days ago you touched all of the microphones and recorders on the table in front of you during a press conference. Now you’ve got coronavirus, becoming the first high-profile athlete in all of North America to test positive. Why did you touch my microphone?

Rudy: Yeah, that was a joke. Sorry about that. My bad.

Reporter: I guess I don’t get French humour.

Host: That is quite a disturbing development. Someone famous has COVID-19 – we should take this seriously now. Let’s take a look around the landscape to see how sports leagues are reacting.

Rink
The Capital One Arena, home of the Washington Capitals NHL hockey club, sits empty Thursday, March 12, 2020, in Washington. photo The Canadian PressS/AP, Nick Wass

NBA: We’re postponed indefinitely.

NHL: Postponed indefinitely.

MLS: Yeah, we’re shut down too.

MLB: Boy it sure is good to be back on the field and hear the crack of the bat! Who’s ready to play some baseball? Anyone? Peanuts and Crackerjacks? All right fine, we’re postponed too.

Host: These are unprecedented times, folks. But we will seek out sports wherever they can be found. We take you now to the 2020 championships of marble racing!

Marble announcer: And they’re off! For those of you new to marble racing, it’s a wild and wacky and surprisingly fascinating sport conducted solely by little glass beads. Tell us about our racers today, Click.

Marble colour commentator: That’s right Clack, these marbles all want to win as much as any pro athlete. They’re like a bunch of little NHL players out there, except the things they say in interviews are more interesting.

Host: Sorry to interrupt you there, Click and Clack, but we’ve got real sports happening now. It’s European soccer and there are no fans! Out of solidarity with supporters groups, the players have agreed to go into the stands once per game and shoot flares at each other. Powerful stuff.

Oh, there’s more breaking news! Looks like sports are coming back to North America too! Let’s take a tour and see what’s brewing!

Disney
In this March 12, 2020, file photo, a crowd is shown along Main Street USA in front of Cinderella Castle in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World in Lake Buena Vista, Fla. photo Joe Burbank/Orlando Sentinel via AP, FIle

NBA: We’re coming back! Get ready for bubble basketball live from the safest place we could think of: Disney World!

NHL: We’re coming back too! Location to be announced soon! Edmonton maybe? Alberta’s premier says that city is located in the heart of the Rocky Mountains!

MLB: We’d love to come back too, as soon as we can reach an agreement with the players!

MLB players: We don’t agree to that.

NBA: We’re definitely going to play. Yep. See you July 31, in Florida! What could go wrong!?

NHL: Sorry, what was your question? Did Auston Matthews test positive for COVID-19? I guess that depends on what your definition of “Auston Matthews” is. But we’re definitely playing hockey next month!

MLB: Several of our players also picked up COVID-19 immediately after resuming team training sessions. We look forward to restarting the season once they agree not to have COVID-19 anymore!

MLB players: We don’t agree to that.

MLB: Yep, we can’t wait to get back out there and smell the grass, hear the crack of the bat. …

MLB doctor: All the bats have coronavirus.

NFL: We’re back no matter what. Since when have we cared if our players die?

Host: There you have it folks. What a year it’s been already. We can’t imagine what the next six months will be like.

We’ll catch you in December to finish off our full year in review. Until then, whatever you do, don’t lose your marbles.

Andy Prest is sports editor for the North Shore News. His humour/lifestyle column runs biweekly. aprest@nsnews.com