MEMORY MEMO: Our weekly news chewing session begins in Tokyo: A store cashier was arrested for fraud after he used his photographic memory to steal credit card information from customers. Amazingly, he was able to memorize 1,300 credit cards after glancing at them only once. Meanwhile, I have to call my wife from the store when I can't remember my card's PIN number.
HYDRO HA HA: Last Wednesday night a major power outage blacked out the Peace Country. The strange thing about a power outage is the silence it creates. You never know how many weird noises your house and your body makes until there's a power outage. The most annoying thing is having to reset your clocks. I have a suggestion for BC Hydro: After every outage, Hydro should deliberately create another brief outage at exactly 12 noon or midnight. Clocks would reset automatically to the correct time.
FEARING FRIDAY: Friday was a tough day for superstitious people. It was Friday the 13th, plus there was a full moon. Even spookier, it was the first Friday the 13th with a full moon in — gulp! — 13 years. I spent all day and all night in my underground bunker.
PHONE PHINANCE: Apple unveiled its latest iPhone. It's very expensive. The "i" in iPhone stands for insolvency. The new iPhone has front cameras, back cameras, side cameras, top cameras, bottom cameras. There's even a camera inside the iPhone so you can take pictures of the little magic genie who makes it all work. Apple says the battery in the new iPhone will last much longer. Even if you use the built-in hotplate feature to cook your lunch.
FASTING FACT: The latest dieting craze is alternate day fasting. You eat nothing every alternate day. I'd like to lose weight, but I'm not ready for alternate day fasting. How about if I start with alternate
JEANS JEST: The new trend in jeans? Jeans with a skinny right leg and a wide left leg. But be careful. Do not wear jeans with a wide right leg and a skinny left leg. You will look ridiculous.
OUCH!: In Sydney, Australia: A man was rushed to hospital after he got an extremely sensitive part of his anatomy stuck in a belt sander. I'm not going to name the extremely sensitive part of his
anatomy. Let's just say the Australian guy had a nasty accident down under.
BOND BULLETIN: Pierce Brosnan played James Bond in four movies. Last week, he made news by suggesting it's time for a female 007. OK, but the next Wonder Woman should be a man. And the next Iron Man should be Aluminum Man. The next Captain Kirk should be a Klingon.
LOOSE MOOSE: In Fort St John, a moose crashed through the glass doors of the school board office. The staff were shocked but unhurt, the moose wandered around the building and left. Here's my question: How come every moose I've ever seen looks darned annoyed and grumpy? Maybe it's because every moose believes if only it had a little luck, it could have been a bigger star than Bullwinkle.
CLOWN FROWN: Pennywise the terrifying Clown continued to scare Peace Country moviegoers. Clowns have always been mysterious. Like the way a clown can squeeze into a small car with nine other clowns and he doesn't have to get a gear lever surgically removed.
BANK BULLETIN: On CBC a banking expert said Canadians could see negative interest rates. That's where the bank charges you a fee to keep your money. Every ATM will be redesigned. With a slot where you deposit a pound of flesh.
SNOOZE NOOZE: A new study shows sleeping too much or too little is bad for your health. How do you calculate how many hours of sleep you need? Take the number of hours you lay awake worrying you're not getting enough sleep – next day multiply by the number of hours you feel dopey because you got too much sleep – subtract the number of hours you spend thinking about how sleep studies are stupid.