NETFLIX NEWS: Our weekly news chewing begins with a report Netflix will introduce a feature that allows you to speed up movies and watch them faster. The new feature makes movies run faster but it doesn’t change the sound. That’s too bad. I was hoping to experience an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie with Arnold talking like Alvin the Chipmunk.
TERMINATOR TIME: Speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Peace Country movie fans saw the latest “Terminator” film. I had a weird dream: It’s several years in the future. The movie studio releases “Terminator 19”. Later, a real Terminator travels back in time to tell Arnold he’s too old for this nonsense and can he please quit it with the dumb Terminator movies.
HALLOWEEN HA HA: A survey showed Canadians people spent less on Halloween this year. I’ll that’s particularly true in Western Canada. If westerners wanted to be horrified they didn’t need Halloween. All they had to do was think about the federal election results.
CANDY HANDY: On CBC a dentist said parents should throw out half of their kid’s Halloween candy. But here’s the problem: Which half? Maybe you should sample 50 percent of the candy to make sure you throw out the correct half. By the way: I feel bad for those pumpkins who are left to rot on a front porch. They will never fulfill their destiny of being combined with spice and mixed into a Starbucks latte.
LOONEY LAFF: As a fan of cartoons I was excited to read there’s a new Looney Tunes TV series in the works. By the way: The real villain of the Roadrunner cartoons is not Wile E Coyote. It’s the Acme Company and their shoddy merchandise.
SERIOUSLY CEREAL: Sales of breakfast cereal in Canada are declining rapidly. On TV an expert said cereal companies are looking for ways to make cereal popular again. I have some suggestions: Mix a big helping of sugar into your cereal. Take out the nutrients, add a bunch of chemicals. Also add a generous squirt of brightly colored dye. Put a cartoon character on the box -- and put a little plastic toy inside the box. It just might work!
NET NEWS: Last week was the 50th birthday of the Internet. Before the Internet there was no Facebook. If you wanted to “friend” someone you had to hang out with them. Actually be with them. In person. Thank goodness we now have Facebook. A place where you can have real friends. Hundreds or even thousands of close friends. Without being bothered by their bad breath or B.O.
CHECK OUT CHUMPS: In a CBC survey, most Canadians hate self-checkout machines at the store. These robots may save money for big companies, but they are destructive. Self-checkout machines kill jobs. They don’t pay taxes. They don’t contribute to the community. They are lousy for the economy. They also spread germs. And why can’t the voice inside the machine be more human? It should say stuff like: “Are you sure you want to eat that cake? it has a lot of calories”.
And -- “How about buying some ointment for that rash?” And -- “Don’t make me ask again, place your items in the (BLEEP)ing bagging area!”
WIND WARNING: On TV a meteorologist said the main feature of climate change will be increased winds. Here in the Peace Country, folks know all about constant strong winds. A friend of mine who’s a farmer told me there was one day earlier this year when the wind stopped blowing for a moment -- and his chickens fell over.
BASEBALL BORING?: TV ratings for the World Series were not good. Do we really need to watch a complete baseball game? All we need are the highlights. The hits, the runs, maybe a selection of clips with the players doing their best scratching and spitting.
WHY WASH: Finally, Health Canada says most people do not take long enough to wash their hands. A good hand washing takes 60 seconds if all the germs are to be killed. Although, thinking about it: You never wash your hands. They wash each other. You’re just watching.