Editor's note: Jason Loutitt is an award-winning, Squamish long-distance runner who has competed in races across North America and Europe.
My apologies to the communities of Squamish, Whistler and Vancouver; as this is much delayed due to the repetitive stumbling with a bad addiction to meth over the past few years.
I am sorry for anyone that had to bear witness to my plight and sickness. The last thing I wanted was to add anything bad to your life.
Since I also was out in public it may have seemed like I was doing it on purpose but my wish was to feel bad and keep on punishing myself.
Being and keeping myself in this self-cast bad spotlight is totally inexcusable.
I did more than stumble after failing with multiple attempts to stop for myself. It hurts me to think of how I may have hurt so many by showing my use.
I do not expect any further patience or other chances to be considered OK.
I have been an addict for my whole life to deal with inadequacies in my character and self-esteem.
Any negative consequences and comments from my behaviour were indeed heard, felt and warranted.
I couldn't imagine if I had an immediate family member that had been taken by the drug.
My psychological, physical and spiritual wounds weren't enough to stop me. It is only an evil drug that was hiding and destroying my life.
I have tried to be truthful no matter what and it may be taken as disrespectful that I wrote this so late.
I still mean it with all my heart and this isn't or wasn't meant to showcase that any use is acceptable. The stigma and isolating commentary from some could be debilitating for many to overcome it but the drug is such a negative force that I now understand the trouble it caused for others.
I hope that dealing with the spiritual wounds of addiction in a compassionate light or individualized manner is possible for all.
I feel that this is key to moving past this. It is not that I deserved any special treatment, regard or respect, and I ask you to not consider me for such a role as it could also be taken as, "It is OK for him to use so perhaps it is for me."
I can't undo this to those younger adults who had seen me in such a way. It isn't something to play with your life or, more so, the lives of those that love you.
I hope it doesn't take my life and will not hold my experience as anything but me being so very close to giving up on my life and allowing any negative consequences to rule over me. I am again so sorry for any hurt I may have reminded many of you of or may have shown myself.
Jason Loutitt
