While there is little to love about being cooped up in quarantine this winter, there are some benefits, especially for us introverts.
The main one is that you now have every excuse to not see anyone you don’t want to see.
Awkward holiday dinners? No longer a problem!
Weird extended family get-togethers with the crazy uncles and aunts? Nope! Gotta do your duty and prevent the spread!
That person you keep bumping into in the coffee shop, who says, ‘We should catch up!’ and you agree, ‘Yes we should!’ but, instead, you feel your subconscious screaming, deep down in your heart of hearts, ‘Not a chance in hell.’
But then guilt overwhelms you, and you agree.
Soon you find yourself six hours and 10 coffees deep into a one-way conversation where your long-lost acquaintance is giving you a verbal bludgeoning about the Top 10 varieties of garden mulch.
“Mulching the garden with sheets of black plastic film does wonders,” you hear your friend from elementary school say.
Meanwhile, you’re envisioning stretching that black plastic film over their mouth and sprinting for the door.
‘So that’s why we drifted apart,’ you mutter to yourself, while desperately looking for an opening to escape. But it’s five days until Christmas and you’re too polite to tell this person to just shut up and leave you alone.
These are all things that would’ve normally happened any other year.
But this year things are different.
This year, you’re free.
This year, you have a secret weapon in your pocket.
Let’s rewind this scenario, now shall we?
You stop by the coffee shop minding your own business.
There, you spot Bob, an acquaintance of yours that you haven’t seen for years. You don’t feel particularly connected to him, but you feel obligated to say hi.
But this time, your face is conveniently covered by a mask.
He sees you. His eyes are dead. He does not recognize you.
Mission accomplished.
However, let’s say by some miracle he does recognize you and he starts to approach.
You know he will just start talking about that horrific mulch of his, so you feign a cough.
He hesitates. You cough again. He starts approaching again, but more slowly. You let out a barrage of fake coughs. His eyes widen. He turns away. You don’t see him ever again.
Mission accomplished.
Let this be the holiday with the least amount of social pressure ever. It could be such bliss.
