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Mastering the masters

I'm back! October was a mad rush of thesis defending, birthday parties, album releases, northern tours, Halloween costume making, face painting, essay marking, midterms and more. And I am tired.
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I'm back!

October was a mad rush of thesis defending, birthday parties, album releases, northern tours, Halloween costume making, face painting, essay marking, midterms and more. And I am tired. However, I am pleased to report that I did not pass out (or freeze completely) and I am now the proud owner of an expensive piece of paper that states I have completed my degree requirements for a Master of Arts - English from the University of Northern British Columbia.

For those who have no idea what graduate school or a thesis defense entails, I am happy to give a brief rundown of the experience. First, make sure that you go back to school right when your youngest child starts Kindergarten to ensure that chaos is appropriately distributed throughout your life. It is helpful if you work full time while you are taking classes to make sure that you are always busy and are never relaxed. Most of all, be in a hurry to finish up your coursework so you have lots of time to write your thesis.

Once you have completed your coursework, you are now primed to start your thesis. Don't start. Instead, take some time for yourself for three or four months while your half-finished thesis sits on your laptop and mocks you. When you finally start writing, do not develop a good writing habit but carve out little bits of (inconsistent) time, every once in a while, to ensure that you don't make very good progress.

Consider quitting.

Get a pep talk from your supervisor who has seen this before and lovingly hides her eye roll at the theatrics of the graduate student.

Don't quit.

Plug along, writing at a glacially slow pace, feeling like you will never be done.

Hear a rumour of a pending faculty strike and hurry your buns to write like wind during a beautiful summer. Because you are writing, make sure that you can never really enjoy the summer and always feel like you should be doing something else (mindfulness fail).

Finish 85 per cent of your book and lose all confidence in your writing, your ideas and your ability to string a sentence together.

Consider quitting.

Get a pep talk from your supervisor who has seen this before and lovingly hides her eye roll at the theatrics of the graduate student.

Get your dad to read your thesis and if he likes it, keep going. (He said he liked it but would he really say anything different?)

Keep going.

Finish!

Feel moderately disappointed that no one was home and there was a lack of balloons falling from the ceiling as you write the last words.

Send to advisor for edits.

Finish edits.

Submit the final copy to the graduate office.

Discover bizarre formatting error that makes you look like an idiot.

Cram for your defense for six weeks.

Make sure that your immediate family is halfway across Canada on a vacation on your defense date but arrange to have them Skype in to watch the presentation.

Have your mother call early in a panic, an hour before it is supposed to start, wondering why it's not starting (time zone calculation issues).

Get to your room to discover that there are not nearly enough chairs and make sure that your tech support is late.

Have all of your people come - aunties, friends, coworkers, and family - feel overwhelmed and loved and supported.

Make your husband sit where you can see him clearly, at all times, and send him panicked glances as necessary.

Grip the podium like it is your lifeline.

Finish your presentation and make sure your first question is impossible.

Stutter.

Develop word salad and a bad case of mouth marbles.

Start using words you have never used before.

Become very aware of your hands.

Limp through it and be done.

Everyone leaves the room and come back in alone.

Clear pass.

Celebrate.

Sleep.

Hit people who ask if you are going to do your PhD.

Feel like you should be doing something, every minute, of every day - but don't.