Skip to content

Opinion: Festivus is back in time for budget

It turns out there are parallels between budget season at the Sunshine Coast Regional District (SCRD) and Festivus, the lesser-celebrated but much-loved secular holiday immortalized by the 1990s American sitcom, Seinfeld.

It turns out there are parallels between budget season at the Sunshine Coast Regional District (SCRD) and Festivus, the lesser-celebrated but much-loved secular holiday immortalized by the 1990s American sitcom, Seinfeld.

Just as the traditional Festivus ornament – a bare aluminum pole – has a “very high strength-to-weight ratio,” as described by Frank Costanza, many of the SCRD projects are “high impact – low cost,” as described in the 250-page package of budget items directors voted on during last week’s three-day Round 1 marathon.

Of course, what Festivus would be complete without the obligatory “Airing of Grievances”?

Well, directors weren’t short on those when describing the task ahead of them: “I’m scared,” said one. “Daunting,” said another. And my personal favourite, on account of the sarcasm: “Thank you, previous boards.”

While the challenge of deciding which items to strike from the list is surely akin to the holiday’s dreaded “Feats of Strength,” what haven’t been shared are the many unsung Festivus Miracles sprinkled like so many strands of tinsel throughout the budget’s wintry white pages. 

So without further ado, here are a few of those miracles, plus or minus a grievance.

Monitor those diving boards

Kids, directors want to buy a brand new $30,000 diving board for the Sechelt Aquatic Centre.

But they also have the option of purchasing two large-screen monitors for their boardroom, at a cost of $10,000, so they can “view presentations without moving from their Board Table seats and therefore better engage with presenters.”

Directors held off deciding on those items until the next round. This could be a “both/and” situation, but just to be safe, consider pinning down your director to ensure they deliver the miracle of your choice.

That sinking feeling

The Coast’s dump is filling up fast, so could you think of a better place for a sinkhole? Formed as a result of “uneven settlement of the solid waste,” the sinkhole was, inconveniently, discovered under one of the corners of the much-loved Share Shed, and will cost $10,000 to fix, out of taxation – a true miracle of giving.

You get a fire truck! You get a fire truck!

Screw Hot Wheels. Everyone is getting a fire truck this year. And by everyone, I mean Gibsons, Roberts Creek and Halfmoon Bay, for a combined total of $1.2 million. Egmonsters, your fire department gets $2,000. Because if it didn’t, your firefighters won’t get paid. No miracle too small.

Sludge funds

“What?” you say. “The SCRD does not have a long-term sludge management plan?” Well, friends, brace yourselves for the final Festivus Miracle. For the jaunty price of $200,000 the SCRD will finally be able to dispose of the excess sludge that’s building up at the Chapman Creek Water Treatment Plant, not to mention that eagerly anticipated long-term sludge plan. Huzzah!

So there you have it, folks, a host of budgetary miracles just in time for Festivus – Dec. 23 for those who don’t observe. And if we’re lucky, the SCRD might just have one more miracle up its secular sleeve – tax increases that still leave “money for people.”

Happy Festivus, everyone!