‘Hello, City of Victoria. How may I be of assistance?” “I’d like to talk to someone about this bill I just received.”
“Is there a problem, sir?”
“Well, I’ve never seen one of these before, but it appears to be a bill for the amount of rain that fell on my property last year, and that’s not something that I really have any control over … ”
“Before you go any further, sir, let me assure you it is not a prank and is, in fact, a bona fide city utility bill. Just between you and me, we’ve had a lot of people thinking it’s not a real bill, but some sort of a sick joke.
“But rest assured, it is a legitimate bill, and just like the other utility bills for garbage pickup and water and sewer, you can pay it online.”
“But I don’t want to know how to pay the bill. I don’t think I should have to pay it at all. After all, I pay taxes and, as you just pointed out, I also pay for garbage and sewer and …”
“Excuse me, sir. Why don’t I transfer you to someone who might be able to explain the stormwater utility more fully?”
“Hello, Department of Citizen Engagement, Strategic Planning and Sustainable Bafflegab. How may I help you?”
“Yes, hello, as I was just saying to your colleague, I need someone to show me how this new bill I’m getting from the city for the amount of rain that fell last year is justified. I can’t control the amount of rain and I don’t think it’s in the city’s jurisdiction, either.”
“Let me stop you there, sir. The bill you’ve received is not for rainfall. It would be ridiculous to try to charge people for the amount of rain that falls. The bill you received is for stormwater.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s rainwater.”
“See? That’s what I just said, it’s rain! How can you bill me for rain?”
“Please sir, you’ll have to lower your voice. I’d like to remind you the City of Victoria is a respectful workplace so raised voices, raised eyebrows or even mild expressions of frustration can be considered hurtful.”
“Sorry.”
“All right then. Now, as I was trying to explain. Stormwater is not rain. It’s rain that lands on hard surfaces like your roof or driveway. It’s no longer rain when it flows off into drains and pipes, it’s stormwater. The bill we sent you is to cover the cost of maintaining those pipes handling that stormwater.”
“So this is literally money going down the drain? Can I opt out? This is ridiculous. Why isn’t this covered in the $3,500 I paid in property taxes?”
“Sir, please calm down and let me explain.
“Rather than continuing charging for storm drains through property taxes, it was felt that it would be fairer to charge people the actual cost of the system.
“And, don’t worry, this is what we like to call ‘revenue neutral,’ so your property taxes would have gone down last year by a similar amount to this year’s bill for stormwater.”
“But I don’t recall my taxes going down by $180 last year.”
“Well, they may not have actually decreased, as many factors go into property taxes, like assessments and tax rates.
“But trust me, this new utility isn’t just another way to squeeze more money out of taxpayers or a shell game to make future property-tax increases seem more palatable as we shift more and more of the tax load into utilities.”
“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just leave it in the property-tax bill. It seems I’m paying more and more in taxes and getting less and less in services.”
“I sense that costs are an issue for you, sir. The beauty of the stormwater utility is that it gives you the opportunity to reduce your costs through various sustainable management practices.”
“Finally, some good news. How do I do that?”
“Well, you could tear up your concrete driveway and replace it with permeable paving blocks. Or you could rip off your roof and plant a green roof. That way, the rain that falls remains good because it’s absorbed on your property.”
“That’s crazy, I’m not going to tear up my driveway! I won’t pay it. What will you do then?”
“That’s your prerogative, sir. We’ll simply add all outstanding balances onto your property taxes. Oh, plus a penalty.
“Have a great day.”
