News item: Victoria's wealthy men are the most promiscuous in Canada, according to a survey by a U.S. dating website.
What, with my back?
No, this is for real. According to Las Vegas-based SeekingArrangement.com, Victoria men are the most, um, active in Canada, with 78 per cent having at least seven sexual partners a year.
In our defence, it was only six until that Shades of Grey book came out.
Some observers, those who have actually seen a Victoria man, are a little surprised by the survey results. Just as the U.S. was a little surprised by Pearl Harbor.
But there it is in black and white: Victoria topping the entire nation, followed by Ottawa, Edmonton, Toronto and Vancouver. Indeed, we in Gomorrah-By-The-Sea might be the most promiscuous not just in Canada, but in all of North America - Chicago, which led the U.S. index, would only have made fourth place on the Canadian list.
"I'm not sure why Victoria ranks so high," said SeekingArrangement.com's Jennifer Gwynn, on the phone from Las Vegas.
Maybe they counted the UVic bunnies?
No, she says, just sugar daddies.
Yes, those with an annual income of at least $250,000 and a net worth of $4 million. (Wow, I barely made the cut-off.) That's who was surveyed.
Right, SeekingArrangement.com is that kind of website, one that links old rich guys with young attractive people seeking "more experienced, sophisticated, wealthy and generous partners, specifically those who have the means of providing them with comforts and luxuries."
Which brings two thoughts to mind: A) your mother had a word for that sort of relationship, and B) the polling methods might not be as air tight as those of, say, Ipsos-Reid.
Nonetheless, the results do point to a pretty significant gender imbalance in these parts, one that favours guys. Figures from Statistics Canada's 2011 census suggest Greater Victoria has roughly 65,000 unattached adult women but just 50,000 men. No wonder the online Urban Dictionary has a definition for "Chicktoria."
This can lead to a certain lowering of standards, one in which any male who has his own car/teeth and is occasionally employed/not currently incarcerated qualifies as "a catch." The term sugar daddy has been broadened to include anyone with bus fare and a two-for-one coupon to Western Speedway.
The result is some unlikely pairings. (Let's pause to consider the 2003 Times Colonist story about sexual encounters on B.C. Ferries vessels.
"One deckhand spotted an older man making love to a younger woman in his car," it read. "When the deckhand tried to tell them their behaviour was not appropriate, the old man replied: 'Go away. This doesn't happen to me very often.' "
When you factor in the smouldering sex appeal of the typical Victoria male - Tilley hat, Lord Baden Powell memorial shorts, fleece vest, fanny pack, brown sandals and black dress socks - it's amazing that women manage to suppress what must be an almost unbearable desire for the gods walking, or perhaps waddling, in their midst. Time and again I am humbled by the restraint shown by those who manage to mask their yearning.
("That will be $1.43," said the woman in Tim Hortons, speaking in code. "Good lord, you people are insatiable," I replied.)
Back in Vegas, Gwynn says the promiscuity poll attracted a lot of media attention this week, callers interested in knowing about the cities at either end of the rankings.
"Calgary was one of the least promiscuous." For some reason, Canadians think that's pretty funny, she said.
But don't forget this: The more improbable the claim, the more attention a survey is likely to get. Remember the fuss when MoneySense magazine ranked Victoria the 35th-best city in Canada this year?
Last month, news outlets around the world took the bait when a Norwegian study declared that couples who split the housework have a higher divorce rate than those in which the burden falls on the woman.
It might not yet be time to replace Victoria's Captain Cook statue with one of Austin Powers.
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