News item: The provincial government has posted a raft of cannabis-related job openings at the B.C. Liquor Distribution Branch, which will not only run stand-alone retail stores but become the province’s sole wholesaler of recreational marijuana when it becomes legal this summer.
“Uh, I’m here about the job.” “Welcome to the Liquor Distribution Branch, Mr …”
“Let’s say Smith.”
“OK, Mr. Smith, which job were you looking at?”
“The one dealing weed.”
“You’ll have to be more specific.”
“The one dealing a lot of weed.”
“Well, we have several positions. Let’s start with Pricing Analyst, Cannabis Operations.”
“What do I need for that?”
“The posting calls for ‘proficiency in working with numbers and the ability to maintain numeric accuracy on a consistent basis.’ ”
“You mean like $25 for an eighth, $1,600 for a pound? I can do that. How much does it pay?”
“It says $42,443.12 to $47,990.48 per annum.”
“Keep going.”
“Well, there’s another position titled Manager Pricing, Cannabis Operations. The job description asks for ‘experience in managing product pricing and providing expert advice and recommendations on pricing.’ Do you have such experience?”
“Will this go to my probation officer?”
“Er, no.”
“Then, hypothetically, let’s say I do. How much does it pay?”
“The salary is $51,587.16 to $58,580.39 a year.”
“Do they take taxes off that?”
“Yes.”
“What else you got?”
“OK, there’s Manager Cannabis Operations. It pays $72,000 to $100,000.”
“What do I need for that?”
“It says ‘experience as a cannabis educator.’ ”
“Like how to carve a bong out of a potato?”
“It also asks for ‘superior collaboration and negotiation skills.’ Do you have superior negotiation skills, Mr. Smith?”
“Ask Joey Four Fingers. He’d give me two thumbs up. If he could.”
“Then there’s Manager, Space Planning, Cannabis Operations. It asks for ‘a minimum two years recent experience managing a team.’ ”
“You mean a crew?”
“How about Director Distribution, Cannabis Operations? You’d need ‘demonstrated ability to develop and maintain positive working relationships with external and internal customers/clients.’ ”
“Is that full-patch customers/clients?”
“Then there’s a posting for Director Retail Operations, Cannabis, one for a Replenishment Analyst, another for Vendor Relations Manager, another for a Merchandise Analyst …”
“That last one! In! I am so in!”
“Yeah, it only pays in Doritos...”
“Really?”
“No. That’s a just an example of the madcap humour for which we at the B.C. Liquor Distribution Branch are deservedly famous. Hold on, what are you doing, Mr. Smith? Why are you frisking me?”
“Checking for a wire.”
“What?”
“Is there a camera? This has to be a set-up.”
“Why would you think it’s a set-up?”
“I just did nine months in Wilkie for being a, um, Director Distribution, Cannabis Operations. Don’t you think it’s a little weird that the government wants to pay me to do the same thing?”
“Changing times, Mr. Smith. It must have been the same after Prohibition.”
“There were 44,000 Canadians busted for marijuana possession in 2016. Were there 44,000 busted for bathtub gin in 1916?”
“Er, I think I’m supposed to be asking the questions …”
“No, there were not, because Prohibition in B.C. only lasted from 1917 to 1921. Marijuana, on the other hand, has been illegal since 1923. That’s 95 years of drug squads, sniffer dogs, underground bunkers, turf wars, prison cells, violent grow rips and B.C. Bud-stuffed hockey bags smuggled across the strait in the moonlight.
“So, yeah, after almost an entire century of pot being on the wrong side of the law, it feels pretty weird to crack open the public service’s version of the Help Wanted ads and see a posting for Director Supply Chain, Cannabis Operations sandwiched between Accounts Payable Clerk and Senior Leasing Manager, where all you have to worry about is what to buy Gladys for the office Secret Santa exchange. That’s all I’m saying.”
“You seem worked up, Mr. Smith. Can I offer you a drink?”
