Four days down, 361 to go. You just know 2015 is sitting there coiled like a Jack-in-the-box, waiting to spring a surprise on us like 2014 did with ISIS, Ghomeshi, Flight 370…
Much of what’s coming can’t be anticipated, but some is predictable. Without further ado, here are the stories that will shape Victorians’ lives in 2015.
Jan. 1 — Food scraps are banned from Hartland landfill.
Feb. 4 — CRD officially drops plans for single sewage-treatment plant, endorses “sub-regional” solutions (translation: each municipality following its own road map, as usual). Politicians pooh-pooh fears about rising costs and loss of $500 million in federal/provincial funding.
Feb. 28 — Animal-rights activists pressure Oak Bay into scuttling plan to trap and kill 25 urban deer.
March 11— Stephen (Axl) Harper’s Sweet Child O’ Mine/Country Roads medley earns him Juno for Best New Artist. Ottawa restores federal arts funding. Harper quits politics to tour with Blue Rodeo.
April 1 — B.C. Ferries fares rise four per cent. Swartz Bay-Tsawwassen round trip now $3,763 (low monthly payments of $274, zero per cent financing available OAC).
April 9 — CBC Radio announces new host of Q: Justin Bieber. Somewhere, the ghost of Peter Gzowski weeps.
May 15 — Hartland landfill says it really means it: No food scraps in your garbage. Notes that list of banned items also includes drywall, sharps and mixed paper.
May 23 — Tom (Angry Beaver) Mulcair hurts himself badly while trying to tell a joke, steps down as NDP leader.
June 6 — New at this year’s Oak Bay Tea Party: a fox hunt, only with 25 deer instead of foxes.
July 1 — Victoria’s Canada Day/Fête du Régurgitation celebrations result in 322 arrests, five gutted B.C. Transit buses, nine limbs lost to fireworks, one legislature fountain drowning and 42 alcohol-related teenage pregnancies.
July 11 — Hartland dump issues reminder that garbage ban also includes liquids and corrugated cardboard.
July 12 — Higher fares result in lower ridership and less revenue. B.C. Ferries drops Nanaimo-Horseshoe Bay service to cut costs.
July 29 — CRD’s “sub-regional” sewage solutions are revealed: West Shore will revert to septic tanks, Esquimalt to contract with navy to dispose of waste at sea, Oak Bay says status quo is fine as long as “the help” use facilities in Saanich. Saanich declares sewage treatment to be a Big Brother conspiracy, just like chemtrails, global warming, 9/11 and smart meters. Victoria opts for outhouses. Total bill: $1.9 billion, with no federal/provincial money.
Aug. 3 — Christy (Where’s Waldo) Clark makes surprise B.C. Day visit to capital. Gracepoint’s David Tennant acts as tour guide/interpreter.
Aug. 12 — Apple releases its new $859 iPhone 7.
Aug. 13 — Apple releases its new $895 iPhone 8. Obsolete iPhone 7s instantly become techno-herpes.
Aug. 28 — Justin Trudeau sees reflection in water, falls in love, abandons politics.
Sept. 14 — Hartland dump issues reminder that garbage ban also includes yard and garden waste.
Sept. 22 — B.C. Ferries abandons mid-Island sailings, sells Duke Point terminal to nearby Tilray medical marijuana factory, which uses it to barge product from its 60,000-square-foot plant.
Oct. 12 — Green Party Leader Elizabeth May is caught pit-lamping Kermode bears from a Humvee, is forced to resign just days before federal election.
Oct. 19 — Only 12 per cent of Canadians, all over age 75, vote in federal election. Conservatives win majority by promising to repeal metric, increase type size on street signs and bring back Wayne and Shuster.
Oct. 30 — Hartland dump issues reminder that garbage ban also includes rubble, asphalt and iPhone 7s.
Nov. 9 — A Kardashian will get married/divorced/pregnant in a highly public manner. Note that this was also a 2014 prediction. Nailed it.
Nov. 14 — Good news: Victoria Mayor Lisa Helps announces Johnson Street Bridge will come in on budget — if they don’t build the last 10 metres.
Dec. 11 — Navy sells its last three ships to Tilray, which converts them to dope barges. CFB Esquimalt is relocated to big box area of Langford.
Dec. 28 — Hartland dump finds banned-garbage list is too unwieldy, decides instead to publish list of the remaining items it will accept: meat department packaging (washed), single socks (holed) and burst yoga pants.
Dec. 31 — Navy sells former CFB Esquimalt waterfront to CRD for sewage-treatment plant.
