Good morning, class. Time for a pop quiz on current events:
• Donald Trump believes the answer to school shootings is to arm teachers. You want to tell him:
A) Canadians are no less violent and no less crazy than Americans, yet we have had just five school shootings since 2000 and the U.S. has had more than 200. The only difference is we have gun control and you don’t, Mr. President. Do the math.
B) OK, you thought there were 1.4 million people at your inauguration. If you need help with the math, ask a teacher.
C) If you ask a teacher, don’t make any sudden moves.
D) Math question: If Florida sea levels rise by 1.8 centimetres a year, and Mar-a-Lago currently sits two metres above the beach, at what point will you blame Mexico?
• If you were a teacher, would you rather be armed with:
A) An AR-15
B) A bottle of gin/Valium
C) Adequate classroom funding
D) A ground-to-air missile to take down helicopter parents
• National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch says some in the mainstream media “love mass shootings” because they are “ratings gold.” In related news:
A) Drug dealers say paramedics “love overdoses” because they’re good for business
B) Fraudsters say the police “love seeing the elderly ripped off” for the same reason
C) Drunk drivers say surgeons “love car crashes”
D) In the days after 2012’s Sandy Hook school shooting the NRA’s membership grew by 100,000 as gun owners, worried about losing their weapons to tighter laws, signed up. In fact, donations to the NRA’s political action committee often spike after such events ($2.7 million after Sandy Hook). Apparently, one group really does profit from mass shootings.
• Despite warnings from Canada’s intelligence service, Justin Trudeau’s trip to India was derailed by the appearance of a man who once tried to assassinate an Indian cabinet minister on Vancouver Island. Who next can we expect to see cozying up for a selfie with the prime minister?
A) Dana Loesch
B) Darth Vader
C) Conrad Nickelblack
D) The U.S. women’s hockey team
• Rachel Notley has declared a truce in the Great Wine War of 2018. What happens next?
A) Joint funding of a Peace Arch at the summit of Rogers Pass
B) Blue-helmeted UN observers to police the Golden-to-Banff demilitarized zone
C) Saskatchewan wheat farmers want to know when B.C. food faddists will end their War On Gluten
D) B.C. government extends its 20 per cent foreign-buyers real estate tax to Albertans
• On Friday, Canada lost to Germany at hockey, our men’s curling team failed to win a medal and it snowed in Victoria. What other hell-freezes-over impossibility came true that day?
A) Fireballs rained from the sky
B) The Strait of Juan de Fuca ran dry
C) Purple pigs climbed the trees of Beacon Hill Park and barked at the noon-day moon
D) Amalgamation
• Two weeks ago you didn’t care about the Winter Olympics. Now that they’re over, you’re jonesing like an Oxycontin addict. You will try to satisfy your craving by watching:
A) Competitive ice fishing
B) Question Period in the legislature
C) Monday Night Foosball
D) The Canucks. Oh lord, no, not the Canucks.
• A Canadian ski-cross racer and his coach, who blew .16, were busted in a stolen Hummer at the athlete’s village. Your reaction:
A) Glad they didn’t kill anyone
B) Are we sure they weren’t Americans?
C) They wanted to beat the cops to the village, but placed eighth
D) Speaking of theft, were you up at 5:30 a.m. to see the Japanese steal the ninth and 10th ends to win the bronze in women’s curling Saturday? (This Olympic addiction is really bad.)
• On Friday, Saanich police were called to a store where a man kept trying on shoes but returning them to the wrong boxes. Your response:
A) Whoa, Surrey, looks like you have competition: Thug life in the mean streets of Broadmead. Word.
B) The suspect was described as 5’10”, 180 pounds and a 9 1/2 EEE.
C) You know this is why the rest of the world loves Canada, right?
D) “How should we respond? Squad car?” “No, foot patrol.”
• Bonus essay question: A passenger’s refusal/inability to control his flatulence led to a mid-air fight that forced a Dubai-Amsterdam flight to make an emergency landing in Vienna last week. Also, the city of Victoria cancelled its emergency management workshop due to snow. Which is funnier? Discuss.
