Jack Knox: It’s me, Donald. I will fill in the Strait of Wanda Fuca

News item: A new Insights West poll says 89 per cent of British Columbians believe a Donald Trump presidency would be bad for Canada. One-third of Canadians want Ottawa to seriously consider severing ties with the U.S. if Trump wins.

Wrong.

Nobody has as much respect for Canadians as me, Donald Trump.

Even Victoria. Nice city named after a terrible queen. Nasty woman.

Have you seen the statue on the legislature lawn? Have you seen that face? I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really folks, come on. Are we serious? Lock her up.

But Conrad Black, he’s Canadian, and he called me “kind of magnificent” this week. I’ve always had a great relationship with the Blacks.

So everybody take a Valium. Not a cheap Canadian Valium either, but a real one priced in real American dollars. When I’m president, the value of Valium will go through the roof, trust me. Same for heart medication. In the U.S. it costs three times as much as in Canada. Sad. The Canadian health system is so flawed. Catastrophic in certain ways.

But I love Canada. I love Vancouver Island. I’ll make it part of Washington state, the Olympic Peninsula. You know the Olympic Peninsula? I loved the Twilight movies. Werewolves and vampires. Tremendous people, the vampires. Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again — just watch. He can do much better.

Could build a bridge from Port Angeles to Victoria, but you people aren’t good at bridges. Losers. Johnson Street Bridge, supposed to be open this year, still not finished. Chinese steel. People say: ‘You don’t like China.’ No, I love them. I just sold an apartment for $15 million to someone from China.

So no bridge. Not a problem: I will fill in the Strait of Wanda Fuca and I will make the Canadian people pay for it. (Great girl, Wanda, by the way. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10, not like my daughter Ivanka.)

Wonderful food on Vancouver Island. Nanaimo bars, very rich, just like me. And you have a cheese company, Hilary’s Cheese. Delicious, but some of the cheese is soft. Hard to slice in a straight line. Crooked Hilary. No more slicing soft cheese when Donald Trump is president. I’ll make America grate again.

So many problems on the Island, though. Look at Oak Bay. Overrun with urban deer. Killed 11 of them, but they keep coming in across the border. When Donald Trump is president, there will be a complete shutdown of deer entering Oak Bay until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on. And I’m going to build a wall, and I will make Saanich pay for it.

Also Esquimalt. Tremendous people the Esqueetians. No commercial tax base, though. People shop in Vic West, View Royal. I will build a great, great mall in Esquimalt, and I will make View Royal pay for that mall. Mark my words.

How about the Colwood Crawl? You know where all those people are driving every morning? Jobs. Lots and lots of jobs. Victoria’s unemployment rate is five per cent, one of the lowest in the country. Same as in the U.S., where unemployment is half as high as it was when Obama took over. Damn Kenyan. He ruined the economy, sent all the work overseas, which is why 2015 was statistically the best year ever for manufacturing production in America. Nobody will be stuck driving to jobs when I’m president.

No more ferry lineups, either. I’ll build bigger ferries. Huuuge. My yacht, the Trump Princess, was 282 feet long. That’s longer than the Mayne Queen. My yacht had a big motor, no sails. (Don’t like boats with masts and sails: The poles are rigged.) The Trump Princess had five decks, a cinema, a disco, a helipad. But the elites made me sell it. Sad.

The elites can’t stand my achievements: Trump University, the bankruptcies, the racism, the sexual assault allegations, the way I hilariously mocked a reporter’s physical disability and John McCain’s war record, my incitement of violence against opponents, my lies about the Iraq war and the birther movement, my fact-free truthiness. It goes on and on. Believe me.

Yet people say I’m unfit to be president. In B.C., only six per cent of you say I would be good for Canada — but then, you don’t get a vote. Sad.