Think of 2016 as a Kinder Surprise, just waiting to blindside us with the unexpected in the same way that 2015 gave us Caitlyn Jenner, affluenza, Cecil the lion, Trump, Left Shark at the Super Bowl…
Much of what’s coming can’t be anticipated, but some is predictable. Without further ado, here are the stories that will shape Victorians’ lives in 2016.
Jan. 6 — Capital Regional District politicians ponder sewage-treatment options, scoff at critics who say foot-dragging is putting federal funding at risk.
Jan. 14 — Latest batch of Chinese-made steel has the elasticity of Senate residency rules. Completion of Johnson Street Bridge set back to 2019. Price rises to $105 million.
Feb. 4 — Canadian dollar falls to 68 cents U.S. Cross-border smugglers trade barrel of Alberta crude for a head of California lettuce, even up.
Feb. 6 — CRD politicians endorse suite of sewage-treatment solutions that include a primary plant in Rock Bay, a secondary one in Saanich’s core (Saanich has a core?), septic tanks in Colwood, a pay-per-poo facility that will somehow turn a profit for Langford and the construction of a cosy two-holer in Metchosin. It’s all contingent on a public-consultation process, though critics worry this will make it impossible to hit a March 31 federal-funding deadline.
March 11 — Victoria Flower Count reaches record seven billion.
March 12 — Victoria Homeless Count reaches record seven billion.
March 19 — CRD politicians endorse a sewage-plan consultation process that involves focus groups, open houses, online submissions, street outreach workers, prayer circles and town hall meetings at which the public can express themselves A) orally, or B) through interpretive dance. The plan will then go to the politicians for final approval before being derailed by a peasant revolt in Esquimalt.
April 1 — CRD misses deadline to have sewage treatment plan in place, loses federal funding. Average property tax bill rockets to $137,000. Outraged taxpayers riot in the streets, except in Uplands, where residents have “the help” riot for them.
May 11 — Opening of Victoria’s 18th McDoobies franchise means every single downtown block now has at least one medical marijuana dispensary.
May 15 — Latest batch of Chinese-made steel has the integrity of a horse thief. Completion of Johnson Street Bridge set back to 2020. Price rises to $110 million.
June 7 — Victorians cite second successive summer of drought as proof that global climate change is upon us.
June 17 — CRTC orders broadcasters to stop referring to Justin Trudeau as Prime Minister McDreamy.
July 12 — Apple releases its new, ultra-thin $953 iPhone 7 featuring 4D camera, hologram keyboard and Star Trek-style teleportation capability.
July 13 — Apple releases its new $952 iPhone 7s. Obsolete predecessor instantly becomes source of scorn. (“An iPhone 7? What are you, Amish?”)
Aug. 4 — Saanich Peninsula farmers warn they’re being wiped out by drought, geese, deer. Save the Bunnies Coalition replies that “geese are people, too.”
Aug. 13 — Elk Lake-based rowers win silver at Rio Olympics. Rioters leave downtown Vancouver in flames. “Sorry,” they say. “Habit.”
Sept. 9 — A Kardashian will get married/divorced/pregnant in a highly public manner. Note that this was also a prediction in both 2014 and 2015. Nailed it both times.
Sept. 14 — Caitlyn Jenner discovers American women earn 20 per cent less than men, reverts to Bruce.
Sept. 22 — Dollar hits 62 cents U.S. Last of Peninsula farms are wiped out by drought and crop predation, raising prospect of famine. Save the Bunnies Coalition relocates farmers to sanctuary in Coombs. Cross-border smugglers trade pound of B.C. Bud for pound of Idaho potatoes, even up.
Sept. 26 — Legally grown U.S. pot wipes out market for Island-grown marijuana. Dope growers switch to lettuce.
Oct. 15 — It starts raining. Victorians declare global climate change crisis to be over. “Guess I was wrong,” says Andrew Weaver.
Oct. 22 — Latest batch of Chinese-made steel has the strength of the Canadian dollar, which falls to 59 cents U.S. Completion of new Johnson Street Bridge set back to 2021. Price rises to 500 million yuan.
Nov. 8 — Donald Trump is elected president.
Nov. 9 — Donald Trump accuses self of being a Kenyan-born Muslim, refuses to take office.
Dec. 18 — Victoria is devastated by earthquake. Only structure left standing is old Johnson Street Bridge.
Dec. 31 — Courthouse tent city becomes Greater Victoria’s 14th municipality.
