An intriguing news item from the world of international espionage surfaced recently. Germany is considering using typewriters as a security precaution after Chancellor Angela Merkel’s cellphone was allegedly tapped by the U.S.
The fellow leading the German parliament’s probe into America’s supposed phone-bugging said typewriters might be a safer bet. And — believe it or not — manual typewriters are even an option.
The very thought of suspicious Germans tapping vintage Underwoods is music to my ears. That’s because I’m a Luddite who loves manual typewriters, land lines and other 20th-century stuff. Only I call myself a Neo-Luddite, because it sounds way hipper, like saying you’re an anarcho-primitivist or a slow-food devotee.
My Neo-Luddism manifests itself in several ways. For instance, I don’t own a cellphone. That’s because I don’t want to talk to anybody when I’m out of the house. In fact, I don’t want to talk to anybody most of the time. Why? Because that’s how we cranky Neo-Luddites roll.
At our home, we only have land lines. Not only that, our phone is a reproduction of a 1930s phone. We used to have a black 1950s telephone made from Bakelite. But we got rid of that, because (1) picking up the Bakelite receiver was like lifting a small barbell, and (2) it didn’t work very well. We also have a windup gramophone (the RCA Victor one with the little dog), which is great for playing 78 rpm Ray Charles and Billie Holiday records.
As a journalist, instead of using a digital recorder, I use a tape recorder. It’s not even a micro-cassette recorder; it uses those old-school cassettes the size of cigarette packs. Sometimes, young people will point to my vintage recorder and say: “What’s that?” I will reply: “It’s a rotary phone.” Why? Because that’s the kind of humour we Neo-Luddites enjoy.
Our newest car is a 1990 Volvo station-wagon. Neo-Luddites don’t like buying new vehicles, because we believe stuff should be fixed rather than replaced. Besides, we are leery of cars that rely on computers. We fear these computers may go haywire and electronically trigger the gas pedal when we’re trying to execute a tricky parallel park.
The Neo-Luddite yearns for the good ol’ days, when the mechanic at any corner gas station could fix our car. Now car mechanics need computer science diplomas.
The worst movie for us Luddites is Spike Jonze’s her. We despise it for a multitude of reasons. For starters, the lead actor falls in love with the voice of his computer’s operating system. Whatever happened to guys who fall in love with real girls? Also, we are suspicious of the movie’s lower-case spelling and the name “Spike Jonze,” which seems sort of made up.
How about the books versus e-books debate? Of course, we Neo-Luds are on the side of books. Printed books just feel better. You can riffle through their pages more easily. You can read books safely in the bathtub. You can safely fling a printed novel across the room if the denouement is unsatisfying.
There are different sorts of Luddites, of course, just as there are small-l liberals and such. I’m a small-l. I may drive an old Volvo (which my daughter refuses to be seen in) but draw the line at going back to the horse-and-buggy days.
I believe technology is OK as long as I approve of it. The good stuff includes cable TV, Netflix, Facebook and microwave ovens. I like MP3s, but still yearn for the days when people carried 45-rpm records around in two-tone carrier cases.
We Neo-Luddites don’t make a fetish of our anti-technology bias. Remember that family in Guelph who spent a whole computer-free year living as though it was 1986? How dumb. Plus, the dad grew an enormous mullet. That’s a serious misstep.
It’s all about not getting carried away. Don’t forget, John Philip Sousa predicted the invention of the phonograph would lead to the end of music. He was wrong.
Next week: Why today’s pop music is vastly inferior to yesterday’s pop music.
