Question: My two-year-old son has always had a shy personality, but for the past six months, he will cry with new people and new situations. He is such a happy, gregarious person with his parents and grandparents — his usual caregivers. Is there anything I can do to help him transition better so he can spend some time with aunts and cousins as well?

S.D.

Answer: Shyness is sometimes seen to be an undesirable trait in a child, but this is a sign that Mother Nature is working as she should. Children are hard-wired to be shy around those to whom they are not attached. It is a protective instinct that keeps them safe.

You can help reduce the shyness by doing a little matchmaking between your son and the aunts and cousins. Have photos of them on your fridge; speak about them warmly and regularly.

When they come to visit, let your son observe them from a distance while they interact with you in a friendly way and gradually he will begin to feel safe and interested in the other people.

You don't say how often your son sees these other relatives — if it is relatively infrequently, you will have to reintroduce them every time. Slowly and gently is the best way.

When I wanted to spend time with my twin granddaughters at that age, they would have a hard time coming to me when a parent was close by.

I would often sit on the floor with a good picture book and just start reading it aloud. Gradually, one or the other would find their way over to me, looking over my shoulder at the page, and before I knew it, I had both girls crawling into my lap and engaged in the book.

As soon as the book was finished, they would be clambering for another, and we would be off. If I had tried to scoop them up the moment I entered the house (which is what I really wanted to do), there would have been tears and huge shyness.

Letting them gradually see that their mom is attached to me let them know that I am OK. Now that they are three, they can remember me from one week to the next. When I come in the door to visit, they usually come rushing to greet me with plans for our time together.

My patience paid off. The girls still get shy with those they do not know, which is as it should be.

When it comes time for your son to go to school, you will want to do some matchmaking with his new teachers.

This way, you can limit a lot of the shyness and trepidation that naturally occurs when new situations arise.

Letting your son know that you really like the new teacher will allow him to take his lead from you and like the teacher as well.

Jean Bigelow

Parent Educator

Your son came into the world with a cautious approach to people and places. This is his nature and one that needs to be accepted and supported.

When he is comfortable with somebody, he is relaxed and interactive. With somebody new, he feels more cautious and uncomfortable.

Time and reassurance will help him move forward. This will require patience and, when possible, something familiar to hang onto, which might be you.

Children also have increased levels of separation anxiety at this age, because they sense that they truly are separate and that can feel scary.

When you introduce him to someone new, stay calm and don't focus too much on him. Give him time to feel new people out and they can slowly interact with him on his terms.

Lots of big smiles, gushing and attention can completely backfire. Everyone needs to give him a little space — if you feel anxious or have a sense of urgency to this, your son will resist.

Always focus on your own level of comfort and your anxiety levels, which is what you do have control of.

As your son gets older, it will be important to remind him that the uncomfortable feeling changes once he has more time with whatever it is that triggers this feeling.

It can be a new person, a swimming lesson, a new subject at school or a new place. Even new things can generate negative feelings for a very cautious child.

Don't label him shy — just reflect the feeling and give reassurance. There are many positive aspects to this trait, and focusing on that can be very affirming.

This is a child who watches and waits before jumping in, which can be a wise way of being in the world.

Let him know he is loved and accepted just as he is and then watch him blossom.

Allison Rees

Parent Educator

LIFE Seminars

Next week's question:

Our son and his six-year-old friends have been engaging in rough play on the playground at lunch and recess, following another child's lead.

The threat of withholding friendship is often used by this aggressive boy if they don't follow him. The only time our son has ever been in trouble of any kind is when it involves this other boy.

How can we build up our child's ability to handle this "leader"? Speaking to the "leader's" mom would be extremely difficult as she is aware of her son's actions but does not seem to think it is as bad as the rest of us moms do. Any suggestions for how to handle that conversation?

W.D.

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