Question: I want to instil some charitable feeling in my son, 7, and daughter, 10, by, for example, designating half the birthday money they receive from relatives for charity.

We allow them to pick the charity, but they are very reluctant to give the money away.

How can we encourage them to give to charity in the right spirit, ie., not under duress?

D.L.

Answer: Children are egocentric and that doesn't mean selfish — it does mean self-centered, however. They are also unable to grasp certain concepts simply because they don't have the maturity and life experience.

It's important for children to be this way as they need to explore their own feelings and needs before they can begin to think of others. Without being given time and understanding, they may only learn to act nice and seek approval rather than give wholeheartedly and be kind.

To develop a good sense of self, they need to be supported as they are with the acceptance of their limitations. A charitable heart grows in a family where respect for self and others is modelled. In a healthy family, people's possessions, choices, privacy, feelings and needs are respected.

Being expected to give something away and feel good about it can leave kids feeling both resentful and ashamed for not having that great feeling.

In some cases, telling children what to do with their things or controlling their possessions is intrusive. This can lead to similarly intrusive behaviour from the child, such as stealing, especially from the parents.

Developing moral values takes time, life experience and maturity. So how do you instill a charitable feeling?

By example. Be who you want your children to be and be charitable yourself. I think charity can be in our actions in areas that are really close to home. Your kids watch you when you run to help your elderly neighbour with her groceries.

They notice your compassion as you talk about people less fortunate. They feel the generosity as the family donates to a child who has less.

If charity and compassion is a family affair, your child will naturally develop those charitable feelings.

Allison Rees

Parent Educator

LIFE Seminars

Next week's question:

We encouraged our daughter, who is in Grade 4, to get a paper route because we wanted her to learn responsibility. She was keen at first, but is already losing interest after three weeks. We don't want her to quit already — how can we get her to stick with it?

Dave

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