Our son and his six-year-old friends have been engaging in rough play on the playground at lunch and recess, following another child's lead.

The threat of withholding friendship is often used by this aggressive boy if they don't follow him. The only time our son has ever been in trouble is when it involves this other boy.

How can we build up our child's ability to handle this "leader?" Speaking to the leader's mom would be extremely difficult as she is aware of her son's actions but does not seem to think it is as bad as the rest of us moms do. Any suggestions for how to handle that conversation?

W.D.

There is no point discussing the child's behaviour with his mom - she cannot control his behaviour when he's at school. Talk to the teacher and whoever supervises them at recess and lunch.

Then they will pay special attention to the situation and deal with it appropriately, as it sounds like it may involve bullying. In the meantime, encourage your son to stick up for himself and have the courage to walk away, and perhaps make friends with others who are not so rough.

Betty

It is very tempting to blame another child for leading our child astray. Engaging in a conversation with the other child's parent might not achieve what you are hoping for. As parents, we need to help our children learn to make good choices for themselves.

You might speak to your child about what good friends do, suggesting friends never try to force others to do things. He also needs to know that he is responsible for his choices. This comes over time.

You might enlist the help from his teacher and supervisory staff in the playground. At our school, we have a "no touch" policy but in the excitement of a game of soccer or foxes and hounds, sometimes the play can get physical. It is up to the duty staff to watch the children and intercede before things get carried away.

On occasion, we might find an alternate activity for a child who struggles in this area - something with a bit more structure and supervision. This is not punitive, but more a chance to give the child time to mature to a point that he can remember to play safely.

Children do not come to school planning to get themselves into trouble; it's up to us as adults to help them navigate certain situations. If two children struggle to have a balanced relationship, the teacher or parent may choose to separate these children during unstructured play until a bit more maturity emerges.

Physicality is a natural phenomenon and we need to help our children learn to curb these urges in an environment like school for safety reasons.

Jean Bigelow parent educator/ school principal

If there are problems between two kids at school, the teachers or principal might have to be called. Awareness is key before it escalates into worse behaviour. Kids need to communicate effectively to avoid conflict.

Sometimes, a poor family home is the reason for this negative behaviour. Substance abuse, mental health issues and poverty might play a big role in this type of behaviour.

MC

Six-year-olds are negotiating relationships without the adult supervision they may have had even a year ago. Children need to learn to have the right amount of assertiveness when dealing with their peers. This can take some coaching.

Victoria's own bullying expert, Ken Marchtaler of Warrior Martial Arts, talks about verbal judo. He says, "As long as kids understand the difference between right and wrong, they can be encouraged to take a few steps to turn things around."

In Ken's toolbox for kids, he teaches them techniques such as the "polite threat." For example: "You know, Mrs. Smith is standing right over there and can see everything we are doing. I don't want to get you into trouble, so can we please not do this and still be friends?"

He also talks about an initial apology: "I'm sorry that you won't be my friend if I don't do that, but can you please not ask me to do this?"

He encourages parents to use role playing to help their kids practice dealing with these issues. "First get the parents to act out their child's role and their child can be the aggressive one, then reverse roles."

I agree - role-playing helps make these responses second nature. We can't control the world but we can learn to control our responses to it.

When we were kids, we used to say: "I know you are, but what am I?" It was a response that popped out, didn't attack the other person and stopped us from crumbling on the spot.

It wasn't perfect but it did help with the typical (not severe bullying) behaviours of our peers. I like to teach sensitive children to wear confident body language and borrow that look when they feel insecure. "How do you look when you are comfortable with your friends?"

Kids need to know the difference between being passive, aggressive and assertive.

Assertive is the key. Assertiveness is a clear, calm approach without putdowns and yet strong enough to show selfrespect.

When kids crumble or lash out, they are often a stimulating target.

Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars

NEXT WEEK'S QUESTION:

My 2 1 ?2-year-old daughter is very possessive of me. She is an only child and I am recently separated from her father. I am going through a messy divorce/custody battle with him. When we were together, she witnessed a lot of our arguments.

She displays this possessiveness when other children are around especially. She will say "my mommy" over and over, will cling to me and push other children away from me or keep them from getting near me and even break out into full crying. When we are around other adults, she will try and make me not talk to them by physically holding my face to look right at her and say "no talk." She will also act out to divert my attention back to her.

Is there anything I can do to correct this?

MM

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