With Valentine's Day barrelling down on us like Milan Lucic on Ryan Miller, it is time once again for Jack Knox to surrender his column space to Dr. Romance, who offers relationship-saving advice to Victoria's men.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

After David Beckham's new underwear commercial aired during the Super Bowl, she left fingerprints and drool all over the television screen. Yet when I watched the game in my boxers she started bleating like that time I used her old wedding veil to filter motor oil. Is this not a double standard?

MIFFED IN METCHOSIN

DEAR MIFFED

Maybe if you weren't watching the game at the Shark Club....

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

When she complained that we don't talk anymore, I explained that it's because the things she wants to talk about are boring. She became very, very quiet after that, apparently trying to think of more engaging topics of conversation. Three weeks later, she's still thinking. Can you help us out?

CONFOUNDED

IN COLWOOD

DEAR CONFOUNDED

Certainly. Here are some subjects she might wish to discuss:

A) Can the Canucks go deep in the playoffs without more fourth-line toughness?

B) Your old girlfriends and how much fun they were.

C) Who would win a fistfight, Harper or Obama?

D) Canadian divorce law and the division of property

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

We were having this great first date at a restaurant, having a totally fascinating conversation about me and how awesome I am, when I noticed she hadn't come back after getting up to go to the washroom 45 minutes earlier. Since I ate both our meals, can I still ask her to pay for her half?

LOQUACIOUS IN LANGFORD

DEAR LOQUACIOUS,

Don't ask her to pay. Tell her to pay. Women like an assertive man.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

She says all she wants is to hear me utter those "three little words." What are those words?

FLUMMOXED IN FERNWOOD

DEAR FLUMMOXED

Multiple choice:

A) "Pull my finger."

B) "Honey, you're overreacting."

C) "Your sister's hot."

D) "I was wr..." "I was wron..." Sorry, can't quite get that one out.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

She says Captain Braveheart's hasty exit from the capsized Costa Concordia is more proof that chivalry is dead. Then she glares at me accusingly. What does she want me to do, open the door for her?

BAFFLED IN BRENTWOOD

DEAR BAFFLED

She would settle for you putting down the seat.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

I am afraid something is wrong with her hearing. What I told her was "Valentine's Day is just a Hallmark holiday and we should not fall for corporate America's clumsy attempt to extort money from us through emotional blackmail." Unfortunately, what she thought I said was "I never want sex again." When I suggested she go to the doctor to get her ears checked, she refused, saying she just needed a little cry. What kind of remedy is a little cry?

CONCERNED IN CORDOVA BAY

DEAR CONCERNED

Two-teared health care.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

You're not a real doctor, are you?

CONCERNED

DEAR CONCERNED

Dr. Romance cures heartbreak and writes prescriptions for love.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

She says being a perfect gentleman one day a year doesn't make up for my flaws on the other 364. Is this true?

SADDENED IN SAANICH

DEAR SADDENED

Of course not. Men don't have flaws.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

She says most men are as bright as a burned-out lightbulb. Is this a valid comparison?

VEXED IN VIEW ROYAL

DEAR VEXED

No. You can change a lightbulb.

DEAR DR. ROMANCE

I pointed out that the Bible says man was created in God's image. She replied that if God leaves whiskers in the sink, can't turn on the vacuum cleaner, snores on the couch, takes you to Hooters on Valentine's Day, can tip the cart girl $5 for a beer but won't pay for parking, has a mustard stain on every shirt and says "who stepped on the duck?" when He breaks wind, then she would rather be an atheist.

Is man really created in God's image?

BELOVED IN BROADMEAD

DEAR BELOVED

In His dreams.

jknox@timescolonist.com