Dear Lisi: Three friends, including me, are planning a party for a mutual friend. We’ve started a group chat and keep throwing out ideas. Any time one of them comes up with something that sounds good, they say, “Great! Can you investigate?”
We all work, two are married, one is expecting, and the party is for our friend’s birthday which falls right before her wedding. We are ALL busy. No one is busier than the other. I’m not sure why these two friends think I have all the time in the world to do their legwork.
I’ve said no in the chat, but they keep pushing and dumping. I’m getting really annoyed and we’re not moving forward. How can I get them to see me as equal?
Party Poopers
Regain your composure by walking away from the chat. If you came up with ideas, for example, a delivery of flowers, or tickets to a show, price them out with options. Bring your information back to the chat and say, “here’s what I’ve come up with. You guys?”
This will “force” them to step up and plan other aspects of the party, for example, food, drink, décor, etc.
If that doesn’t work, just be honest: you’re doing your share and you don’t have time to do theirs too.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the friend who is very social and outgoing, who can’t understand why her friend is so quiet around strangers, yet funny and personable around her (Feb. 12):
“This sounds like a textbook example of an extroverted person who derives her energy from contact with others and an introverted person who derives energy from within, only opening up when comfortable.
“Her quiet friend was probably frozen in social discomfort when the new couple began chatting and engaging with them. This is one of an introvert’s most feared social situations.
“There are countless books and online resources which explain introversion and the author Susan Cain has some great material. Introversion is something that many people don’t understand, including introverts, and it’s fascinating to learn more about it.
“Gaining an understanding of how introverts thrive, their hidden strengths and superpowers is something that is advantageous for employers, supervisors, teachers and especially good friends.”
A lifelong introvert
Dear Lisi: My wife and I often go out to restaurants with my daughter, her husband, his mother and their young children. We are comfortable financially and usually pay for everyone. Last week we went to a nice restaurant and was horrified when our son-in-law had instructed the waitress to break up the bill into three: them, us and one for his mother.
My daughter and son-in-law are well off; they live in an upscale neighborhood, have good careers, no mortgage or car payments, and travel frequently.
I am at a complete loss about their selfishness and although I feel compelled to say something, I’m afraid to alienate ourselves from our daughter and grandchildren.
Cheque please!
Perhaps the issue is his mother’s. Maybe she’s embarrassed that you constantly pay for her, but can’t afford to pay for everyone, so she asked for her son’s help. Why he doesn’t pick up the tab occasionally, especially since you say he can afford it, I don’t know.
I suggest you recognize his efforts to take the financial burden off you, and how proud you are of both for creating a financially secure life for themselves and your grandchildren. Then add something about wanting to include his mom, and not make her the odd man out. Together you could come up with a schedule of who pays, for example, April is your month, May is his. Or agree to always split the bill in half, so that his mother doesn’t have to pay for her one meal.
What he did was ugly, but I don’t think he meant it that way. Don’t comment negatively. There’s no point and it could backfire. Enjoy your close relationship with your family.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman in her 40s losing her language skills (Dec. 7, Jan. 25, March 13):
Reader – “Regarding the woman who says she is losing her language, given her age, why has nobody suggested that perimenopause might be the culprit? Yes, she should see a doctor, but brain fog due to the menopause transition is a likely cause of forgetfulness at this stage of life.
“I recommend Dr. Jen Gunter’s excellent book on the subject, ‘The Menopause Manifesto.’”
Lisi – I haven’t read this myself but have heard that it’s a great resource.
FEEDBACK Regarding the twins with matching pimples (March 18):
Reader – “Acne is a medical condition and the common trope that it is caused by poor diet is incorrect.
“The teens’ acne is the result of hormonal fluctuations and the bad luck to have the same pimple in the same spot. It’s that simple!”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
