My best high school friend moved to New York after university. She has an awesome job, a great apartment and is loving life in the Big Apple. She has invited me to come and visit a million times and I haven’t gone.
The truth is that I’m scared. All I see on social media is scary stuff, like the guy who got shot on the subway, or the looters who went into that store, or the guys on the street yelling at each other.
We finally agreed that I would come in the spring, which is soon, because the sun would be shining, and we’d walk everywhere. I literally just booked my ticket … and she’s just called to tell me she got mugged walking home from the movie theatre!
I don’t want to go! Help!
Scared of the City
I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s experience. That must have been terrifying for her.
I understand fear, the physical ways it can manifest, and the “freeze” that accompanies it. Fortunately, many fears can be overcome. You and your friend found a way to avoid having to face some of your fears by visiting in spring, and planning to not use the subway.
According to Fox News and New York City Mayor Eric Adams, crime in NYC has decreased in the streets and subways. They say New York is the “safest big city in America.” BUT — if you’re too afraid and won’t be able to comfort her or enjoy yourself, then don’t go. If you think you can handle it, give it a try. I’m sure your friend would love to see you.
Dear Lisi: In university, I was set up on a blind date with a guy in my political science class. We went out for dinner and talked until they kicked us out of the restaurant. As we walked home, our conversation was light, easy and nonstop. When we got to my place, we looked at each other and started laughing. He asked me if I knew why he was laughing, and we both agreed that we had just met a best friend, but not a romantic partner.
From that day forward, we were inseparable. We went to class together, ate lunch together and hung out all the time. At one point he started sleeping with a friend of mine; and I started sleeping with a guy I met through him.
Fast forward and I met my husband. The two guys became fast friends, to my utmost happiness and surprise. We quickly had two children, and my bestie became the most fun uncle ever.
And then he met his person. From their first date, I could tell she didn’t like me. We went on a double date, and she flirted with my husband — in front of us! Their relationship moved quickly and the next thing I knew, they were married, and we hadn’t spoken in a year.
Both my husband and I have reached out to him, our friend, to see each other, get together as couples, whatever, just to be together. There’s always an excuse stemming from her. What do we do?
Double dumped
This is a sad yet common story. For whatever reason, she is jealous/insecure/judgmental of this past friendship and wants to start fresh with her guy. It’s not a healthy approach to any relationship because we all come with a background and baggage.
The key to a healthy relationship is learning about each other’s past, backgrounds, and incorporating them into your lives. However, you can only do so much. You may have success; you may not.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sibling hoping to save her brother from his wife (March 22):
Reader — Yes, the brother appears happy with the non-contributing wife (both financially, personally and in practical matters). Not the sister’s business.
However, when the sister is “often asked to help financially,” the “back off” attitude needs to end. The sister-in-law works but spends her money foolishly instead of contributing financially to the expenses of the household. The sister has a right to “talk sense into him.”
He needs to discuss the financial issues with his wife, ask her to contribute financially to the household and stop asking his sister for financial help.
Lisi — I agree that if his wife has money to contribute, she should be, rather than the sister doling out charity. But I’m pleased the sister is supportive.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
