Dear Lisi: I’m an esthetician, married with a toddler, and I live with my in-laws. They are both immigrants, as are my husband and myself, but neither of them work nor speak English. My father-in-law is uninterested in any of us; I have no idea what he does all day. He’s sitting at the table drinking coffee when I’m getting ready in the morning, and he joins us for dinner at night.
My mother-in-law is constantly cooking and helps us look after our child. We are very grateful to her for her help, and though she doesn’t say anything, we assume she’s grateful for the groceries we purchase, the rent we pay, and basically anything else that costs money, as she doesn’t work.
Here’s the problem: my husband and I aren’t actually married, and we’ve recently decided we don’t even want to be together anymore. But we both need the situation we’re in to remain constant because neither of us can afford to move out, and/or find other means of childcare, on our own.
Do we tell his parents the truth, risk their anger and judgment, and maybe even the end of their childcare? Or do we just stay as we are, in hopes that soon our situation will change and one of us will bring in enough money to leave this multi-generational house?
Feeling trapped
First let me assure you that you are not alone in this predicament. Many people stay in marriages long after the love is gone for similar reasons, including financial and children.
Since you live with your in-laws, they may be more observant and astute than you realize, and they may already know that your relationship is on the rocks. They may be staying quiet in hopes that it doesn’t change their living situation, since it sounds like they depend on you financially.
I like to err on the side of honesty, so, if possible, I suggest a family meeting without the child (perhaps after bedtime), when you can discuss openly the practicalities of your living situation, and the realities of your relationship. I believe the only thing that needs to change immediately is that your partner and you should now have separate living quarters if space permits.
Dear Lisi: I seem to be ghosted by every friend I’ve ever known. I lived in one city until college, then moved abroad for almost a decade. Upon my return, I moved outside of my hometown. One of my closest friends from childhood gets in touch periodically, and then disappears until we bump into each other again. And a guy I knew from high school just recently ghosted me after reconnecting a few years ago.
Why are people so annoying?
Ghost Town
We live in a time of disconnect, of anonymous keyboard bravery and a lack of accountability.
As for your acquaintance of 30+ years - you seemed to be in and out of each other’s lives a lot. Perhaps you didn’t keep in touch with them well enough during those years you were abroad. They invited you to stay at their home after reconnecting, but you declined. Maybe, just maybe, they feel rejected by you.
As for the high school classmate, you said you knew them well in school, but you didn’t use the term friend. In the past few years, you’ve just been correspondents with one chance meeting. It’s been a month. Maybe that person is out of town, sick, busy, or who knows? Reach out a few mor times before giving up.
Yes, ghosting seems to be much more commonplace these days. But that doesn’t mean you have to stoop to that level.
Find new friends and ways of staying attached.
FEEDBACK Regarding lies and betrayal (March 20):
Reader – Maybe I’m missing something, but who else cares what the sister has done other than the family, and they all seem to know.
Curious
Lisi – You make a good point, but in the first paragraph the cousin states: ‘We are members of the Muslim community, where relationships deemed acceptable in the West are generally frowned upon. If news of the incident were to circulate, my sister would suffer significant losses.’
FEEDBACK Regarding the dog-walking neighbour who overshares (March 25):
Reader – It’s possible (even likely) that your neighbour is on the spectrum. It doesn’t necessarily change your advice (feel free to keep your distance, but never ask her to try to change the way she behaves), but it might inspire a bit more compassion.
Grandmother of a lovely boy on the spectrum
Lisi – And the world could use a little more compassion.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
