It's touted as the merriest time of year, but Christmas joy doesn't come cheap for split families. There's often a hefty emotional price tag to deciding who gets the children when, where and for how long over the holidays.

Children pay it, too.

It need not be that way, according to those in the local counselling and family legal fields.

"Children should not be caught in the middle," family lawyer Robert Klassen says.

Yet this is something family and school counsellor Helen Lennie sees happening all too often when a parent uses the child to get back at their ex. It's particularly sad when one parent sticks to the custody arrangement and denies access to the child during the holidays.

The onus is on the parents, Klassen says, "to do whatever to protect the children and know they are loved by both parents."

This is the impetus behind two holiday survival workshops Lennie gives through the B.C. Families in Transition agency in Victoria.

Her take on the topic did not come from a textbook.

"I've lived through it every year," says Lennie, who split from her husband in Los Angeles when her now 23-year-old son was five.

Grief and loss colour particularly the early years after a split, according to Lennie. There's the loss of a dream and hope. Lennie assumed her marriage was forever, just as her parents' had been. Just as she assumed the family life her parents created would remain the blueprint for her own.

The hype around traditional family spikes at Christmas, undercutting the situation many split parents and their children find themselves in.

"It's a challenging time for a lot of people," Klassen says.

One solution is not to live in Christmas past, but redefine the family Christmas, according to Lennie. This can be as simple as deciding to exchange gifts on Boxing Day if the kids are elsewhere on Dec. 25.

"You have to be flexible," she says.

In her clinical practice, Lennie finds many children relish having two celebrations.

"Most say, 'Wow! I get two Christmases, two turkeys, more presents and more people to love,' " Lennie says.

Plan well ahead with the ex where the children are going. Also, the parent without the kids should have their own plans set in advance to ease the inevitable feelings of vulnerability over the holidays. A lot of "support systems" from professionals to best friends either close or leave town over the holidays, Lennie says.

Besides, the children may be upset and feel guilty that the parent is alone. That's why it's necessary to have plans for yourself and let the children know them.

In the 18 years since her split, Christmas has taken many forms for Lennie. In the first one, her ex came to Victoria. Both put aside their differences for the sake of their son. "It made me a bigger person because the focus was on our son," she says.

Since then, there have been a few Christmases in L.A., one with her ex, their son, her ex's new partner and their daughter. Even that configuration changed at another L.A. Christmas when her ex split with his daughter's mother leaving Lennie, her ex and the two half-siblings to celebrate.

Laughingly, she recalls Christmas during the Blizzard of '96, which isolated many in their homes here. "After a few days, we were ready to kill each other," she says.

One Christmas, her son and his father went to India. That year, Lennie went to a meditation retreat, an example of the "me-time" she advocates parents arrange for themselves if they are alone. This can be anything from a night or two in a hotel to candle-lit baths in a quiet home.

Now that he's an adult, there have been Christmases when her son decided to stay where he was, such as the year he was in Europe. Last Christmas, exhausted from university exams, he remained in Montreal.

Parents should never bad-mouth the other to their children. Ultimately, this character assassination ends up being partially worn by the child, according to Lennie. The maligned parent is part of the child's life. "You are attacking your child [too]," she says.

Further, children might feel guilty or disloyal when finding they love daddy's new girlfriend or mommy's new boyfriend, according to Lennie.

Children might want to talk about the other parent or the Christmases they remember when both were in the home.

"You don't have to fix it. Just acknowledge it," Lennie says.

Don't shut the child down. Encourage the child to talk about it using such questions as "what do you miss most?"

Lennie has seen split parents "adultify" their children by using the child as the support system for their own issues. Find an adult for that.

"Remember, your pain isn't your child's," she says.

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CHRISTMAS SURVIVAL TIPS FOR PARTED PARENTS

- Plan access visits early with ex. Put what's agreed upon in writing. If that's not possible, use an impartial third party to negotiate visit times.

- Speak positively or not at all about your ex.

- Despite how miserable you feel, stay upbeat for your kids. Confide your hurt and anger to another adult.

- Your kids will hurt, too, so encourage them to talk about their feelings without falling apart yourself.

- Encourage your children to make a special gift for your ex. Support them as they choose gifts for the ex's extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.).

- Plan with ex to make joint gifts to the kids. Not only is it more economical, but your children will be happier receiving something from both of you.

- Traditions are important. Your kids will miss ones such as your ex handing out the presents. Ask kids what traditions they want to keep. Create new ones.

- Consider Christmas elsewhere. If you have always spent it at your parents', but think it might be too painful, go to a friend's. Diverting attention away from earlier family Christmases could ease children's anxieties.

- If the kids are going to your ex's, don't make them feel guilty that you'll be alone. Tell them how much you look forward to time on your own. Tell them you want them to be happy while away.

- If on your own, volunteer at hospitals or charities to transfer attention away from yourself and onto others. Consider events staged by singles and/or parenting groups. You'll meet many in your same position.