To: Gen. Keith Alexander,
National Security Agency,
Spying On Your Friends Division,
Washington, D.C.
From: Canada
Dear General, As director of the NSA, you will appreciate the consternation we in Canuckistan felt upon learning that the U.S. has been caught spying on its allies.
In particular, we read with alarm the accusations that you tapped the personal cellphone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, one of 35 world leaders whose calls were monitored.
With this in mind, we demand to know: why not us? Why not Harper? What, our secrets aren’t good enough for you?
Jeez, General, we don’t mean to sound like some no-self-esteem teenager yearning for the attention of the boy next door, but we are your biggest trading partner and upstairs neighbour, albeit one who doesn’t stomp around in work boots or wake you up at 3 a.m. with noisy rodeo sex or narco wars.
True, we might come across as a little dull sometimes. A comedian once called Canada “the designated driver of North America.” Where your constitution offers a stirring cry for “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” ours is dedicated to “peace, order and good government.”
And true, we might have given you reason to take us for granted, meekly following U.S. policy like some branch plant toeing the head-office line. Back in 2003, when Ottawa briefly made a few independent moves — yes to same-sex marriage and medical marijuana, no to the war in Iraq — it was deemed remarkable enough that the Washington Post published a piece titled “Whoa! Canada!” that said: “Just when you had all but forgotten that carbon-based life exists above the 49th parallel, those sly Canadians have redefined their entire nation as Berkeley North.”
The Guardian newspaper ran the headline “Canada gets interesting,” as though it were as unexpected as “Man bites dog” or “Scots learn to cook.”
And true, our prime minister might exude all the electricity of an airline magazine, leading you to believe his favourite colour is “bland” and that listening to his phone calls might not exactly be worth $2.99 a minute.
But hey, have you seen our boy lately? He’s trying to dig his way out of scandal by shovelling a deeper hole.
Changes stories faster than a cat burglar. “Nigel Wright quit. No, I fired him. I knew he cut Duffy a cheque. No, I was washing my hair.”
And how about Rob Ford? Maybe you missed it on the news (you probably thought it was Chris Farley in Tommy Boy) but this guy’s story makes Breaking Bad look like SpongeBob SquarePants. Crack videos. Drug dealing. Dead gangsters. The only thing left is criminal charges — which would still leave Toronto trailing Montreal in the mayors-on-trial game.
Meanwhile, remember all that Canadian oil you count as part of the U.S. strategic reserve? We just sold it to China. Or, to be precise, we sold them Alberta. It has been bought by Petrochina, China Investment Corp., Sinopec .... CNOOC alone bought Nexen for $15 billion. You might want to pay attention, General.
On the other hand, you can counter that you need not spy on us because Canada and the U.S. are already wrapped together like Kanye and Kim, part of the so-called Five Eyes Network — you, us, Britain, Australia and New Zealand — a listening network so tightly interwoven that it might as well be a single government agency.
This will be news to most Canadians, who were not so much shocked as secretly thrilled in October when Brazil accused the little-known Communications Security Establishment Canada of cyber-rooting through their Energy Ministry’s files like a raccoon in a garbage can. Spying? Canada? How very Daniel-Craig-as-Bond of us. We were less shaken than stirred.
Not that we’re not capable of spying, or put off by Merkelesque expectations of telephone privacy.
Please, half of us grew up listening to our neighbours on a B.C. Tel party line, and the other half have no choice but to eavesdrop on bellowed iPhone conversations on the No. 14 UVic bus every morning.
Spy on Canada? Forget it, General, we’re already part of the team.
