The thought of owning a ferret never appealed to me.

These varmints -- so quick, slinky and well ... ferrety -- strike me as a cross between a weasel, a rat and a snake. And aren't their owners usually street kids or bikers?

Sooke writer/artist Kate Woods is on a different page. She's a diehard ferret lover who has owned nine in her lifetime. Now, North Saanich's Hedgerow Press has published her Ferrets Underfoot. The 206-page non-fiction book chronicles Woods' often amusing (and occasionally revolting) ferret adventures.

The book is somewhat in the tradition of Lyn Hancock, the Aussie writer who made a literary career out of animal hijinks with There's a Seal in My Sleeping Bag, There's a Raccoon in My Parka, and There's a Lemur in My Lingerie (OK, I made that last one up). Much of the nicely written Ferrets Underfoot revolves around the exploits of Woods' ferrets Teasel and Cicely.

Ferrets typically live eight years on average, so she's now acquired a fresh pair: Nemo and Dorrie. Apparently, the previous owners were Finding Nemo fans. The animals cavort merrily in Woods' ferret-proofed abode: a rustic 1941 cabin surrounded by salmonberry bushes and forest near Otter Point.

So what exactly is the ineffable appeal of ferrets? Woods pointed to their curiosity and irrepressible joie de vivre. Often these critters will scamper away in fright, then turn around mid-flight to investigate what scared them. Plus they're cute, although I suspect one person's cuteness is another person's rattiness. After all, being described as a "ferret-face" is rarely considered a feather in one's cap. Unless one is a ferret.

I'd be happy to visit a ferret at a zoo. That said, many of Woods' cautionary tales from Ferrets Underfoot have put me off these creatures for life.

She writes, for example, about her cottage acquiring a certain "pungency." Turns out her ferrets had burrowed into her couch and used it as a latrine. Writes Woods: "The underside sagged not from the weight of ferrets as I'd thought, but from several weeks' accumulation of droppings." Yuck.

There are other disturbing details. Teasel, apparently like most ferrets, would eat the most peculiar things: socks, erasers, eyedroppers, Styrofoam, phone buttons, elastic bands. This diet resulted in "wildly coloured confetti droppings."

One time poor Teasel, suffering a blockage, was fed banana-flavoured laxatives before ultimately undergoing surgery. The post-operative ferret was restless and expelled blood, eventually daubing an entire bathroom. (Woods slept there with Teasel that memorable night.)

The fun continues to this day. Woods tells me her current ferret, Dorrie, recently gobbled an unpopped kernel of popcorn. The kernel swelled up inside the animal, causing terrible discomfort (and necessitating costly X-rays) before the offending food particle "burst out."

The stories in Ferrets Underfoot feature ferrets chomping tampons, licking slugs, vomiting pilfered raisins, falling into zombie-like sleeps and emitting peculiar odours. Woods writes: "He [ferret Tiki] would occasionally stink in a manner that pungently betrayed ferrets' kinship with skunks."

At one point, Woods became so concerned by Teasel's ongoing bladder problems, she contacted a Vancouver Island pet psychic. (Yes, really.) The psychic, equipped with only the animal's name, suggested Teasel was eating too much protein, too much acid and too little calcium. Weirdly, this advice seemed to help.

Woods first became enamoured with ferrets after spying one in a Fairfield laundromat. And she saw another at the supermarket adorably gnawing the plastic wrapper on a side of roast beef. Who could resist?

Woods also has a reputation as a soapstone sculptor. Several of her artworks are at Sooke Harbour House. Before that Woods was a full-time wood carver and turner. Her projects included helping restore a missing altar at St. Ann's Academy and carving ornamentation for vintage desks at the legislative buildings.

Ferrets Underfoot may be the very thing for that oh-so-special ferret lover in your life. In Victoria, it's available at Munro's Books, Bolen Books and Chapters.

"Certainly, out in Sooke," Woods said, "the reaction has been very positive."