Dear Lisi: My best friend and I have been planning a retreat for almost a year. We found a relaxing spot in Costa Rica with yoga, massage, and all sorts of other therapeutic treatments. We invited a bunch of women we knew, and some we had met at a retreat we went to three years ago.
Six months into our planning, my bestie got pregnant. She had some complications with her first two pregnancies and was told she wouldn’t be able to conceive again. She and her husband were saddened but understood and moved forward. As a result, she didn’t even know she was pregnant until she was well into her third month.
Our retreat is now less than three months away, my bestie is entering her second trimester, and I’m afraid she’s not going to be able to join me at this retreat. I can’t run this thing on my own! What do I do?
Baby in the way
Whoa! Calm down. First, congratulations to your friend on her surprise pregnancy. And congratulations to both of you for creating a retreat for women. That’s awesome!
Now let’s get practical. I understand that you don’t WANT to run the program on your own, but do you really think you CAN’T do it? It’s not a weakness — it may be too large an event to run successfully on your own. That’s legit. Sit down with your pregnant bestie and together figure out who could be your wing man IF she gets waylaid by her belly.
This is a blessing in disguise. You two need to work smarter and more efficiently to get everything done in advance. Of course, issues will arise during the retreat that you won’t be able to predict, but if everything is in place, it’ll be easy to handle the emergencies. Now, breathe. Of course you want your bestie by your side, but there’s nothing she can do now about the impending baby. Don’t make her feel guilty.
Dear Lisi: I don’t know where to begin, as it’s very confusing and disheartening. I have five siblings — four sisters and one brother. Last year I was invited to a family function, but the sister who invited me thought it was OK to humiliate me, and verbally and emotionally abuse me because she paid for my trip. She told anyone in earshot that I had no money and no quality of life. I felt so small.
She also called my kids’ names and said horrible things about them. My kids weren’t even there. I took the abuse on me but when another sister and my brother started harping on about my children, I got upset and fought with them. But then they all ganged up on me.
Only one of my sisters stayed out of it, saying she didn’t want to get involved. But I don’t know how to deal with this on my own. I need an ally, some help.
Family affair
I don’t think I have all the information to properly help you in this situation. But, with the information I do have, I can agree that what your sister did wasn’t nice. It sounds as though she paid your way for this event, but then didn’t feel you were grateful, so lashed out publicly.
If she was willing to pay for you, she should have stipulated her conditions up front, assuming she wanted more than a simple thank you. And if she had a problem with you, she should have spoken with you privately.
I have no idea why your children were brought into the conversation, but that seems like territory they shouldn’t have entered. Stick with people you know love you for who you are.
FEEDBACK Regarding ignored mom (April 9):
Reader — “This behaviour is the classic definition of ‘Elder Abuse.’ This woman should ABSOLUTELY get help. There are lawyers who specialize in elder abuse and elder/seniors advocacy. I strongly suggest meeting with one BEFORE taking any further action or having any further discussions.
“I totally agree with needing physical protection at this point. Hopefully a lawyer can guide her regarding the recommended approach, what and how to say and how exactly to proceed.
“My personal understanding is that an eviction can be physically performed by the court sheriff. This will prevent physical violence during the eviction event. But a restraining order may also be necessary.
“The daughter also desperately NEEDS some mental health help and/or counselling.
“I would suggest taking photos of the house, all furniture and appliances, and anything else of personal or financial value. Be prepared for the daughter to call the police herself with false accusations.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
